


and I want to sleep next to you...

by Fangirlqueen87



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Aaron dingle needs protecting from the world, Alcohol dependency, Build up of feelings, Grief/Mourning/Loss, M/M, Mention of Death, Reference to Drugs, alternative universe, mention of self harm, reference to scars, set after Jackson's death, slighly inspired by the song 'Talk Me Down' by Troye Sivan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 12:38:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7171547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirlqueen87/pseuds/Fangirlqueen87
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been a few months after his boyfriend's death and Aaron Dingle is on a downward spiral, turning to drink to help him cope after being chucked out by his mother. </p><p>While Robert Sugden has crash landed back into the village forced to forget about his wild lifestyle and stay in his little sister's spare room. </p><p>Robert's complete ignorance and lack of empathy for Aaron's grief causes friction yet the dark of the night helps both of them find some sort of peace, and soon they're both growing too attached to let go again when morning beckons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so....i wrote this, and at the start (like most of my fics) it was supposed to be a little fic yet it ballooned and turned into this. 
> 
> i have always been really interested in the way aaron had this very unapologetic and confident attitude with robert at the start of the affair, the way robert somehow became this person he could act any way he wanted to around because they didn't really care all that much about feelings. 
> 
> anyways i wanted to write a fic where robert seems to be this cold heartless bastard at the start and well...you'll see by the end where this goes, the idea of robert more involved in aaron's grief about jackson was something i have wanted to play with and this is the result, so enjoy ;)

"What do you mean...she's _kicked_ ya out!" Adam was shouting down the phone as if it was four in the afternoon and Robert was getting even more riled up. Although it was ten o'clock at night, it was in the middle of winter and the night was pitch black, and suddenly Adam's bloody shouting was making Robert want to race off into the night and find anyone else to chat other than his little sister and her loud dopey husband.

Adam bloody Barton. Just one of those people, _too_ nice, _too_ friendly that it almost _pained_ you to be in his company. But Robert couldn't complain, he _was_ living in his house.

  
"She _can't_ , what she playing at?" Adam sighed hard and suddenly Robert was more interested, usually Adam's phone calls were just as boring as him but now he wondered where it was heading and who exactly he was talking about.

  
"You _can't_...mate, _please._ " Adam sounded more desperate now, more like he was pleading with whoever it was and then Robert was trying to figure out the person. Finn. He's younger brother, he's cousin. Victoria's best mate though so he'd call her right?

  
He suddenly heard whispers and then feet tapping against the floor.

  
"What is it now!" Victoria whispered loudly and suddenly Robert smiled because his sister would surely work out what was going on.

  
"It's Aaron, Chas has kicked him out." Adam said loudly, seemingly he had pulled the phone away from his ear and was speaking directly to his wife.

  
_Aaron._

  
Robert frowned, he had heard the name only a few times before and seen his face even less. He was Adam's best mate and had been almost invisible since Robert had come back to the village a few months ago. Living with his sister after a chance meeting with her whilst he was coming off a high wasn't the way he had imagined his life would be at twenty six, but he had turned it around, he had got clean - forced to really because it wasn't like he could be snorting in her front room, he had a job now and a home and well he wasn't Aaron.

He didn't know much about his life apart from the fact that Victoria and Adam seemed to love him enough to look past his volatile ways. Robert had met this Aaron three times before, he was always off his face, always slurring his words and sitting there in _his_ living room sharing a few cans with Adam. Robert would look over to his sister and see her pursing her lips and shaking her head but not saying a word. After the third visit of this troubled lad, Robert confronted his house mates, wondering what the hell was wrong with him and why no one ever said a word.

Turns out he was _fucked_ _up_. Turns out Robert had missed the whole part where he killed his boyfriend because he wanted to _die_. He missed all that but he was witnessing the aftermath and he couldn't help but wonder what would had been worse to see.

  
Robert hadn't seen this Aaron for weeks, but from what Adam was saying he was just getting worse. Robert had heard something a few days ago about Aaron getting so drunk he smashed up the pub and maybe that was why his mum had finally kicked him out. To say he felt sorry for him was a bit too much, he didn't know him enough to feel anything for him apart from a slight...dislike, a distance that he wanted to keep because there was no way he was going to be saddled with the worry that Victoria and Adam seemed to have for him.

  
"Mate...yeah - well come here....come stay here -" Adam said hastily causing Robert to move up on the bed.

 

_Hold up, no._

  
"Adam is that for the best!" Victoria whispered loud enough for Robert to hear as he bolted up and lingered by the door.

  
"Well yeah I know...you can sleep on the sofa....yeah....just until you're sorted yeah?" Adam said seemingly ignoring his wife all together.

  
"Yeah...see you later, don't worry...bye." Adam finished off the conversation and then sighed hard.

  
"Well thanks for letting me have a say." Victoria said quickly, rolling her eyes and walking away.

  
Robert frowned hard, how did _he_ not have a say? He was paying rent, he was apart of the house too, why didn't he get a say in what down on his luck lad got to stay?

  
Robert heard Victoria turn back round,  
"And what about Robert?" Robert smiled, it felt good, feeling important. "Dosen't he get a say?"

  
Adam rolled his eyes and sighed,  
"Vic it's _our_ house not his! He's just a lodger." He shouted, as if that was all Robert was, as if he wasn't Victoria's brother, as if he wasn't family _at all_.

  
Robert suddenly opened the door and met them on the hallway, his face full of anger as he saw them standing there.

  
"Yeah I pay rent, which means I _do_ get a say." Robert snapped making Adam roll his eyes.

  
"My mate crashing on _my_ sofa for a few nights whilst he sorts himself out has nothing to do with ya!" Adam shouted again and suddenly Victoria was pulling him by his arm and telling him to shut up.

  
Robert bit his lip, "It does if he's unstable." He said and even Victoria's eyes widened, he shouldn't have said that.

  
" _Unstable_!" Adam yelled as he leaned in further towards Robert, "He isn't unstable, he's grieving."

  
Robert rolled his eyes and shook his head, "I get that, but it doesn't mean that he can go about _destroying_ things because he's not having a great time of it." He said regretting the way he was talking about it so black and white. He was this cyclical, he was this cold. He hardly gave himself the chance to grieve for his dad like he should have and maybe that's why he had a hard time realising why someone else seemed to be so effected by a death that happened months ago.

  
Adam shook his head, "Well next time your boyfriend _begs_ ya to die 'cause he doesn't want to _live_ anymore I'll make sure to monitor your grief and be this understanding!" The hate he felt seared through his body and hit Robert directly as he pushed past him and slammed the door of his bedroom shut.

 

~ ~ 

 

An hour rolled by, then another, then another and Robert was still awake. The thought of drifting off to sleep and waking up to someone else in the house made him feel uneasy, especially when it came to someone like Aaron, that unpredictable and all over the place. His eyes were heavy, getting heavier and heavier until...

The sound of the door slamming instantly woke Robert up, he looked towards the clock in his room and saw the time. Nearly three in the morning. Robert gulped hard as he pushed the covers over him and tried to ignore the sound of his new house guest moving about downstairs but then he heard another slam and he wondered if he should go and see what was going on.

Admittedly Robert was interested in Aaron, intrigued in a way that made him want to go and see him and suss him out slightly. His feet were already dragging him towards the stairs, down the stairs, into the living room.

 

~ ~

 

Aaron was huddled over on the living room sofa, his breathing was heavy and he had a can in his hand. Robert studied him, he couldn't help it. His hair was out of place, his hoddie looked damp maybe from the rain or from the can itself.

Aaron suddenly turned around and met Robert's eyes, he saw Robert looking at him like no one did, he was looking like him as if he was... _interested_ , as if he had _seen_ him.

  
"What the fuck are you looking at!" Aaron growled taking Robert by surprise slightly. Aaron had only met Robert three times and he hardly remembered one meeting fully, just small bits here and there and what he could work out was that Robert was this aloof older brother of Victoria who kept himself to himself and liked it that way. He seemed alone half the time, looked alone behind his eyes but there was still some sort of spark there Aaron noticed.

  
Robert raised his hands up and shook his head, "Er...I...I-" he stammered because he wasn't expecting Aaron to say anything, he hadn't ever actually talked to him before only through eye contact and when Aaron was too drunk to notice him staring.

  
Aaron shuffled on the sofa, his eyes growing tired as he looked towards the floor and then back at Robert who was still staring, still looking.

  
Robert took the hint, saw the way Aaron was looking back and then suddenly he bolted up the stairs again. He didn't understand why he seemed so uncomfortable around him, he was a confident sort of guy, but this Aaron had managed to make him feel weird in his own home. He had this odd effect on him that literally made him race up the stairs again and not want to ever see him again.

 

~ ~

 

Robert could hear laughing from downstairs as he opened his eyes, it was coming from Adam and someone else...and suddenly his stomach flipped. He had hardly slept that night wondering what Aaron was doing, thinking, feeling as he lay down on that sofa. He didn't feel guilty about what he had said to Adam about his best mate but then seeing him last night had made him feel _something_ and he didn't like it.

"Sleep okay?" Adam called out to Aaron and suddenly Robert gripped his sheets and wet his lips slightly, _nervous_ , he felt fucking _nervous_.

  
"Yeah...okay...eventually." Aaron mumbled slowly.

  
"Eventually?" The voice was higher, belonging to Victoria.

  
"Well yeah I mean after your brother came hurtling down the stairs just to fucking stare at me though." Aaron spoke louder, the thin fucking floorboards.

Robert gulped hard, _shit_.

  
Adam was laughing, "Yeah he's a twat!" He chuckled and then stopped as Victoria suddenly slapped him hard on the arm.

  
"He was probably just sussing ya out...checking you weren't...off your face." Victoria said soothingly and suddenly Robert felt better, he wasn't as tense as before yet it still made him uneasy knowing that Aaron spoke about him like that. _Who did he think he was?_

  
"I had a few cans that's all." Aaron mumbled shyly.

  
"And the fucking rest." Robert whispered as he leapt out of bed and decided to have a shower, he wanted to avoid this troubled kid as much as possible.

 

~ ~

 

The sound of the door slammed twice whilst Robert was in the shower. Adam first, he could hear the way he called out a goodbye. Then Aaron, Victoria wasn't working today it had to be him.

  
Robert tousled his hair and tried to dry the wetness of his hair as he paddled down the stairs.

  
"Vic fancy making me a cuppa -" Robert stood dead in his tracks as he stared directly at Aaron sitting on his sofa. He looked different, better more healthier and alive than he had done the night before. His eyes were the most deep blue, the most bright and alert and it caught Robert by surprise. Suddenly he realised he was standing in nothing but a towel hugging his waist, his whole chest exposed and staring Aaron in the face.

  
Aaron's eyes widened, this mysterious Sugden now was almost fully showcasing himself without knowing and he didn't know how to feel.

  
Aaron cleared his throat, "Marlon called her in....she left a few minutes after Adam." He said, his voice lighter than last night.

  
Robert nodded his head and suddenly walked back towards the door feeling overwhelmed with embarrassment.

  
"Robert." Aaron called out and suddenly Robert's heart was beating a little bit faster as he looked back towards Aaron sitting on the sofa. "Yeah." He said quickly wanting to leave.

  
"I just wanted to say...er sorry for...for last night." Aaron said shyly, hardly with the same malice as last night and suddenly he was softer, gentler and Robert was nodding his head and shrugging his shoulders "Don't worry." He said cooly before bolting up the stairs again before Aaron could see anymore of him.

  
He wasn't, well he _was_ embarrassed but not because Aaron had seen him, the whole situation was just an awkward one, a situation that Robert didn't want to be in. And now Aaron was apologetic and it meant _something_ to Robert, made him feel better and it shouldn't have. He shouldn't feel _anything_.

Aaron eventually left, eventually he was slamming the door shut and Robert was racing down the stairs because somehow being in the same room with Aaron for more than two minutes was just out of the question. He sat in silence like usual, he loved the quiet, the calm before the storm he thought because Adam was sure to have another pop at him for something and now Aaron was mixed in he was sure to take Adam's side.

Robert made sure he was up in his room tapping away at his laptop and catching up on work before he heard the door go again and then again.

Robert couldn't help but look down from the landing and see who had come in, he wasn't _searching_ for Aaron but maybe...well he was just curious. Victoria was kissing Adam, no Aaron then.

A few hours passed and Aaron still wasn't back, maybe he had sorted things out with his mum, who cared really, not Robert.

An early night was what Robert needed, he had hardly got any sleep the night before thanks to Aaron making him think quite a lot about things he didn't want to think about. He fell asleep to the sound of the television humming downstairs and Victoria and Adam laughing about something or other and he felt...just like before, before Aaron had ever came, like he was whole but...still missing _something_ , bearably missing something though...just waiting...and waiting for something to change.

 

~ ~

 

It was the middle of the night, Robert suddenly sat bolt up right and he didn't understand why. He was completely dazed and his brain failed to remind him that Aaron might be downstairs so he had no hesitation to walk down the stairs and go straight towards the kitchen. He suddenly turned the tap on and filled a glass full of water, gulping it back before sighing. His back was towards the living room yet he could hear noise, sniffles, someone crying.

Robert turned around quickly, his eyes widening as he saw Aaron laying there, tears streaming his face as he wept and wept.

Robert was frozen again like last night, he couldn't pull himself away from Aaron when he was crying the way he was.

Aaron felt a presence in the room and suddenly he was looking round and seeing Robert standing there, his hair out of place and his eyes filled with concern maybe.

  
"Had a good look?" Aaron mumbled as he sat up and started wiping his eyes hard so that they were instantly getting redder.

  
Robert gulped hard realising that him trying to be all nice to this sad prick wasn't going to work out.

  
"Don't stop on my account, just getting a drink." Robert said cooly as he leant back against the surface.

  
Aaron sniffed again not expecting that sort of reply, when he cried people spoke softly and tried to be gentle, this was different.

  
"Fuck off." Aaron shook his head and suddenly felt embarrassed.

  
Robert's heart rate increased as he crossed his arms and shook his head,  
"No." Aaron raised his head, "This is my kitchen, my house -"

  
Aaron suddenly shot up and Robert could see it again, the way he looked the night before, tired and damaged and almost broken, as if the night took something away from him, robbed him of his healthy glow.

  
"I'll leave then." Aaron panted before suddenly he was inches away from Robert and -

  
"Aaron are you okay?" Robert sounded worried, sounded like he _felt something_.

  
Aaron's eyes were dropping back as if the energy it took for him to stand up had completely taken the life away from him.

Suddenly his breathing became more and more shallow and then he was falling and Robert had no choice but to catch him, to hold him up straight and walk him back towards the sofa.

  
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Robert tried to sound angry, confused but he was more worried than anything, worried that this man _was_ destroying himself like all the villagers gossiped about.

  
"Nothing, nothing." Aaron said catching his breath and feeling like an idiot for completely making a fool of himself in front of Robert.

  
"Well that's a lie isn't it." Robert said speaking more softly and not liking the way his voice suddenly changed when he was around this man.

  
Aaron shook his head and panted softly as he tried to control himself.

  
"Do you want something to drink?" Robert asked before leaning in closer and smelling the alcohol on his breath. "Actually...think you've had enough." He said and suddenly he frowned because he had heard Victoria say something like that to him before, he was on the receiving end though not dishing it out and it felt _wrong_ now.

  
It had been longer than two minutes, much longer and then Aaron was looking at him and mumbling something that Robert couldn't hear, and he felt that weird feeling again that happened whenever he was in Aaron's company.

  
"Sorry I'll just -" Robert mumbled as he got to his feet and then suddenly Aaron was gripping his wrist breathing in and out softly and looking at Robert as if he wanted to say something, "Don't tell Adam or Vic..." Aaron said with panic in his voice.

  
Robert gulped hard, he didn't mind not telling Adam something, a part of him liked the idea of sharing something with his precious best mate that he didn't know about. Even if it was about him nearly collapsing in the dead of night.

  
"Okay." Robert whispered and suddenly Aaron nodded his head and breathed out a small "Thank you," before looking down and seeing that he was still holding onto Robert's wrist. Robert looked down and followed Aaron's gaze before then looking up into Aaron's eyes and feeling weird, odd, like he wanted to distance himself from the man while he still could.

Robert cleared his throat and pulled his arm away slowly so that Aaron was loosening his grip and mumbling another "Cheers," before his eyes fluttered and he was drifting off, just like that.

Robert was hovering over him and seeing how innocent he seemed, how quickly the harshness could fade away, how beautif -

Robert's eyes _widened_ at the thought and soon he was bolting the stairs again.

 

~ ~

 

Robert met Aaron on the stairs the next morning in another awkward exchange, again last night Robert struggled to sleep as he realised that he hadn't even asked Aaron what was crying about, but then it seemed obvious. That boyfriend of his.

Robert hadn't allowed himself to look past the fact that Aaron was _gay_ , Finn _yes_ but Aaron _no_. He wasn't homophobic, he was just... _intrigued_ by the thought, the thought of Aaron being happy with a _man_. It was an odd thought considering how much _pain_ a man had caused him.

"Didn't use all the hot water did ya?" Aaron mumbled to Robert, not meeting his eye. He wasn't as...well dead as last night but he wasn't bright and sparky and Robert couldn't help but wonder if it was because him and Adam hadn't laughed like they did the day before. Adam hadn't made him have anything to laugh about. _Prick_.

  
Robert shook his head, "No...no it should be okay." He mumbled back and suddenly he was walking down the stairs and avoiding Aaron's eyes because he felt _weird_ again, he was thinking about Aaron in the shower and although it was innocent enough, he still felt _weird_. He wasn't picturing him naked, it wasn't a _sexual_ thing it was more of a worried thing he thought. Last night he could hardly stand and now he was having a shower, having to stand and support himself and he felt... _nervous_ \- as if Aaron Dingle was his problem to worry about.

Victoria and Adam were mumbling about something when he came into the kitchen and suddenly they grew silent.

  
"Don't mind me." Robert spat hating how he almost always felt like a spare part in the house, a third wheel crushing his little sister's happiness.

  
"We er...we were just saying...about Aaron." Victoria whispered and suddenly Robert was listening.

  
"Oh right...what about him?" Robert said turning to face them and frowning slightly.

  
Adam rolled his eyes and began speaking, "Chas said he was at the pub all afternoon..." Robert nodded, so that's why Aaron wasn't around "When it came to closing time, Chas said he had to go and they a row, she pushed it too far she thinks...apparently she said something about Jackson and how he would be ashamed of him." Adam breathed out and sighed.

  
Victoria tutted loudly, "That's all he needs." She mumbled.

  
Robert blinked quickly realising why exactly Aaron had came back crying his eyes out and feeling...not sorry for him...no...just...well it didn't seem fair he thought.

  
"I didn't even hear him come in last night...just woke up and he was on the sofa." Adam said before turning to Victoria "Did you hear anything?" He asked softly causing her to shake her head.

  
Robert was hardly listening to them, his mind on Aaron and wanting to forget about the way he had literally fell into his arms the night before. Jesus he was getting too worried, to involved and he was sure he was going to start looking like Victoria and Adam soon.

  
"Did you hear him come in Robert?" Victoria asked softly causing Robert to shake his head "No...no I didn't sorry." He said quickly.

  
"Seems okay today though," Robert added as he saw Adam get to his feet and walk towards the door to leave for work. "Well yeah I suppose he does..." Adam sighed before kissing Victoria and leaving the room.

Victoria stared at Robert and somehow _saw_ what he was thinking.

"You don't mind him staying here do ya?" Victoria bit down in her lip and suddenly Robert didn't know what to say, nodding his head seemed too eager but then pulling a face was too harsh.

  
"Er...hardly see him," Robert mumbled "He's only been here for two days." He added as he folded his arms and sighed.

  
Victoria nodded her head and then squinted at Robert, "You seem...I dunno...like you have something on your mind." She couldn't work it out, but there was something.

  
Robert suddenly shook his head hard,  
"Nothing I'm fine," shit was...was what he was thinking that _obvious_ , was the way he seemed to be counting the seconds that Aaron was in that shower and prayer to hear it suddenly stop and Aaron opening the door and Aaron be _okay_...that obvious?

 

 _Fuck_.

 

~ ~

 

Adam came barging through the door a few hours later wearing a grin that made Robert roll his eyes and turn away.

Robert usually had no time for Adam Barton but now he was in his personal space stinking of cows and muck and moving his arms about as if he wanted Robert's attention.

  
"What is it you want?" Robert said bluntly, he was supposed to be trying to be doing work but well Aaron didn't seem to leave him the _fuck_ alone. He was thinking about him and if he had recovered okay from last night and then Adam was infront of him and ignoring his irritation.

Adam chuckled slightly obviously not fazed by Robert's unwillingness. "Me mum and me just landed some massive order for the next few months!" He was so happy, Robert should have been happy _for_ him but well he wasn't that sort of guy. Suddenly Victoria came through the door and Robert had to plaster on a smile as she hugged him tightly, clearly she was happy for him, _bless_ her.

  
"Let's celebrate!" Adam yelled as he grabbed Victoria by the waist and held her close to him. Robert grimaced and rolled his eyes 'that's my fucking sister you twat' was circling his mind but then Victoria was _just_ as eager and he didn't like robbing her of her happiness, he wasn't _that_ cruel.

  
"Hmmm...we could go out....have some nice dinner, book a hotel." Victoria giggled into a kiss and Robert sat there wishing he could run out the door and go find the nearest woman to kiss like that. He hadn't been with anyone for a while, contacts was all he seemed to have, girls that he used to know, that _still_ wanted to know him. He would meet with a girl, Lyle sometimes, kiss her and touch her in places that made her smile but then he would leave because although she was familiar, the spark he felt when he was with her faded over time. All Robert was left with was this feeling deep inside that made him want that lifestyle again, the _drugs_ , the _sex_ , the odd power he had before when he was nothing more than a messed up kid, before Victoria saw him on the side of a road and flagged down her brother and bought him back to the village.

It hurt him to think that he didn't feel any sort of feelings buried deep down for any girl he had been with, they were shallow feelings centred around sex and passion, fuelled by drugs. Robert's stomach churned slightly as he thought about the way he seemed almost unaffected when any girl he was with got _emotional_ , wanted to talk about _feelings_ or God forbid _cry_. It wasn't like he hated it, but he was just _useless_ at that sort of thing. Robert had now grown to realise that he just wasn't good at being a _boyfriend_ at all. Robert had been plagued with the thought of his bad ways last night especially, when Aaron had been crying and he hardly tried to help him. Instead he had been short and snappy and actually made the poor lad want to _leave_.

 _Poor_ lad? No, Robert thought to himself that night because suddenly he was almost feeling sorry for him as if he had the right, as if they were friends, mates...as if he _thought_ about him at all.

  
Robert suddenly felt Adam's hand rest on his shoulder and realised he had missed what the hell they were on about.

  
"So what do you think?" Adam said, he was trying to smile at Robert and suddenly Robert knew he wanted a favour or...something.

  
"About....about what?" Robert stumbled as Victoria smiled weakly at him, raising her eyebrows as if to say ' _please_ '.

  
"Me and Vic going out tonight, staying at a hotel or summat" Adam said quickly.

Robert scoffed, "Er why should I care?" He said not understanding why all of a sudden they cared about what he thought.

  
Adam looked at Victoria and then back at Robert.

  
"Well because...you know...Aaron." Victoria mumbled and suddenly the penny dropped for Robert and he gulped hard.

  
"Yeah, you know he's going to be staying here and well, is that alright...I know you two are hardly mates but you can stay out of each other's way for a night can't you?" Adam said practically pleading with Robert.

  
Robert bit his lip, he would spend an awful lot of time in his room that night then because he _couldn't_ spend more than about two minutes in the _same_ room as this burly grumpy mess of a man. He made him feel... _something_.

  
"I..." Robert stumbled and he didn't really know why.

  
"Listen okay I'll give you my number, if he comes here drunk or something just ring us and we'll come straight back." Victoria said quickly and suddenly Robert pulled a face.

  
"Or you could just make sure he dosent go out and get hammered." Adam said before shrugging his shoulders.

  
Robert shook his head, "I'm not a _baby_ sitter." He scoffed causing Adam to sigh. "Fine, fine okay but if he hits me or anything..."

The thought made Robert feel uneasy, Aaron was so unpredictable at times and Robert didn't know whether he would be in flood of tears or swearing and tell Robert to leave him alone. The thought of Aaron hitting him, punching him or getting _that close_ made Robert tingle suddenly and he felt...weird.

  
"Thank you!" Victoria pulled Robert towards her and grinned as she hugged him.

 

~ ~

 

Robert was alone, enjoying the quiet yet sitting on the sofa wondering where exactly Aaron was. When he was arriving? What he would be like? How he would react to Victoria and Adam leaving? The television was blaring and drowning out most of the noise, making Robert feel tired and almost ready for bed. The sound of the door pushing open sent a shiver through his body and suddenly Aaron was staring at him wide eyed and alert, he almost looked healthy, solid and alive but then Robert saw the cans in his hands and realised that he probably wasn't.

Aaron was staring at Robert and Robert was staring at Aaron and for a minute nothing was said and it felt... _easy_.

  
"Where's Adam and Vic?" Aaron mumbled, falling slightly on the chair that was by the kitchen and avoiding Robert's eyes.

  
Robert gulped hard, "They...went out, staying over at some hotel or summat." He said the words cooly trying to show that it wasn't a _big_ deal even though being alone with Aaron made him feel ridiculously uncomfortable.

  
Aaron nodded his head and then looked down at his phone, "They've been tryna call." He mumbled before tossing it to the side and sighing hard. He looked exhausted and Robert couldn't help but wonder if it hadn't been sleeping _at_ all.

  
"Do you wanna get some sleep?" Robert said suddenly realising he was practically sitting on Aaron's 'bed'. He felt awkward, he shouldn't have.

  
Aaron suddenly looked at him and frowned like he usually did.

 

_Moody git._

  
"Is that your way of telling me that I look like I need it?" Aaron growled at Robert.

  
Robert let out a little laugh and then realised Aaron wasn't joking, they weren't being friendly. Robert cleared his throat and sighed "Well yeah," he said cooly and suddenly he realised that he had no right to order this man around or have an opinion on what he did or didn't do.

  
Aaron stared at him, almost trying to work him out.

  
"Why the hell do you care?" Aaron mumbled before taking another sip of a can and shaking his head as the downed the content.

  
Robert rolled his eyes,  _great now he was_ _getting drunk,_ 'Cause I promised Vic and Adam that I wouldn't let ya get off ya face so -"

  
"You're not my dad, or my fucking baby sitter, or even my _mate_." Aaron suddenly leapt up from his chair as if to defy Robert even more.

  
_Great_.

  
Robert shook his head, "Well yeah that's what I said but...you don't seem to be in a good place right now so -"

  
Aaron had heard that too many times recently, he hated it. The way all he had been through with Jackson had magically turned into a 'bad place' in his life, boxed away and stored somewhere that he always seemed to find, it wasn't far enough away yet, the _pain_ was still in reach and he wished someone could find a lock to it all, keep it shut until he was ready to have a _peak_ inside when he was _strong_ enough.

  
"Yeah I suppose you could say that." Aaron scoffed before shaking his head and avoiding Robert's eyes, he knew Robert knew about what had happened by that didn't help matters.

  
Robert suddenly stood up, pulling a hand in his pocket and practically begging Aaron to keep his mouth shut, he wasn't good at being there for people, hearing their problems. He was _useless_ at stuff like that.

  
Aaron sniffed and then looked up to meet Robert's eyes, he wanted to hide how red his face was getting, wanted to leave and just _forget_.

  
"Aaron..." Robert said the word loosely, not even _trying_ to say anything else.

  
Aaron downed another can almost immediately as if every time he thought about his dead boyfriend he needed a drink to block it out again. Robert could relate, he knew how to use alcohol as a coping mechanism, he did it all the time and he knew it didn't help in the long run.

  
"I _don't_ need Vic's _useless_ big brother to babysit me." Aaron spat the words out and suddenly Robert was frowning because it was as if Aaron had _heard_ his thoughts and used it against him.

  
_Useless_.

  
Aaron didn't even seem sorry, hardly fazed by what he had just said and Robert didn't know why that angered him, but it did. Aaron took another sip of his can and then suddenly he was looking at Robert hard in the eyes as if to say ' _do something about it if you didn't like it'._

  
Robert pulled himself away from Aaron not wanting to cause him any more upset or make him even more angered by his messed up life. Robert didn't want any part of it and suddenly he realised Aaron wasn't his problem at all.

  
"Fine go drink ya self into oblivion for all I care." Robert shouted, he was raising his voice and Aaron almost seemed broken by it. Robert couldn't help but be in awe at how Aaron could so easily change from being this angry confrontational man to this soft and sensitive soul. It was scary.

  
"Fuck you." Aaron suddenly said and the anger was back, being replaced with the shock he had felt.

  
Robert was getting angry, angry at himself for allowing Aaron to get so far _under_ his skin. Robert suddenly was inches away from Aaron, he didn't want to punch him, didn't want to hurt him but -

  
"Go on...hit me, I won't feel it anyway." Aaron said the words coldly and then suddenly Robert staggered back, he couldn't help what he was feeling, he was _sorry_ for this man, this man who had admitted that his feelings had somehow frozen and he couldn't _feel_ anything but this numbing pain. He almost wanted to make it go away for him, almost.

  
Robert realised trying to be nice wouldn't help someone like Aaron, it would make him want to run away even more.

  
Robert pulled his eyes away from Aaron and shook his head, "Not worth it." He mumbled, not wanting to hurt Aaron and then realising that he probably wouldn't be fazes at all.

  
Aaron inhaled sharply and suddenly he was holding back his tears and Robert felt like _shit_ because he _was_ _hurting_ him. He was _getting_ through this barrier and he didn't understand how.

  
"Well you're right 'bout that....I'm not worth it." Aaron said through a sob that made Robert feel ten times worse.

  
Robert shook his head and walked towards Aaron but Aaron was edging away and making a dart towards the door.

  
_'One last attempt'_

  
"Aaron...getting hammered isn't going to help." Robert called out and suddenly he was gripping Aaron, _pulling_ him back and Aaron was turning and punching him hard on the cheek.

  
" _Fuck._ " Robert growled as he felt his skin burning because even though a punch was _inevitable_ he wasn't expecting it.

  
Aaron lingered, breathing in and out and suddenly feeling even worse because he was this monster, destroying everything in his path and hurting people that just wanted to _help_.

  
Robert looked up at him and suddenly darted away not because he was assured he was going to get another one but more to prove a point if anything. A point that said _'this is how far I want to be from you'_. Aaron sniffed instantly thinking that Robert was scared of him, that Robert was wanting to be as far away from him as possible and it _hurt_ , he was _sick_ of hurting everyone.

  
Aaron hesitated to speak but decided not to. _'What good would a fucking sorry do?'_

The door slammed behind Aaron and Robert waited for a few seconds before pulling open the freezer and resting a bag of ice on his throbbing cheek. Robert almost feel cheated, he had _felt_ for Aaron and wanted to _help_ but now, now he realised that someone like Aaron didn't want or deserve help, he was just intent on ruining his life and he wasn't going to be involved in any of that fucking nonsense.

  
"Fucking mad man." Robert growled before walking up the stairs and falling into bed.

 

~ ~ 

 

He couldn't help it, it was three in the morning and the night was pitch black and he was sitting up in his bed with his phone in is hand and his finger lingering over Aaron's phone number. He reluctantly punched in the numbers when Victoria read them out and he felt as if it was giving into that _feeling_ that he felt, he was teasing himself and saying 'ha so he does mean something' as he saved his number, locking him into his phone, into his life.

Now he was in his bed, grumpy and tired yet somewhat determined to get ahold of Aaron. Aaron who had left in a mess, penniless it seemed with tears down his face and only a hoddie to keep him warm in the bitterly cold night. Robert couldn't help but feel guilty after he had calmed down slightly, he shouldn't have let him just run off like that, he should have stopped him - he would have if he was his friend but he wasn't. He was his brother in laws friend, to him just a very damaged individual.

  
Robert decided against it in the end, realising that this man had literally punched him in the face because he was _that_ eager to leave, it wasn't his place to call him up and ask him if he was okay. Robert bit his lip as he lay back down and tried to think about Victoria and Adam's reaction, they would be angry, distraught if anything happened to Aaron and anything _could_ happen to him right? It was freezing and he was tipsy, angry, vulnerable. Robert sinked lower in his bed as he tried to forget about Aaron entirely, it was hard though and when he wasn't thinking about what Aaron was doing he was wondering what he used to think about before this fucker added worry lines to his forehead he didn't want.

He was dreaming. Adam was pushing him and shouting and Victoria was crying her heart out, Chas had slapped him and Cain kicked him suddenly in the groin knocking him to the ground where he was met with Aaron's face. His eyes closed, blood smeared across his chest. Dead, because of _him_.

 

"Robert," a whisper, small but mighty and suddenly Robert was rolling over and seeing a figure in his room.

  
His eyes widened as he tried to make out who it was, work out who the soft voice belonged to and then - 

  
"Aaron?" Robert realised it had to be him and then he was moving up on his bed and clearing his throat, feeling flustered because the man who had punched him a few hours ago was suddenly standing in his room.

  
Aaron shifted on his feet staring at Robert in the dark of his room and realising that he shouldn't have just walked straight in, should have knocked or something because they were hardly friends. He just needed to see someone, to talk to someone and the alcohol in his body made him forget the time.

  
"What are you doing here?" Robert whispered as his heart began to race.

  
Aaron sniffed moving forward and suddenly Robert gulped because he could see how small he looked, how broken and lost his eyes seemed.

  
"I'm so tired," Aaron exhaled softly, his lips trembling and an arm suddenly pulling over his face. Robert nodded his head, he was treading carefully because he didn't want another punch to his face at three in the morning.

  
"Okay, well...get some sleep okay." Robert's voice was soft, softer than it had ever been before because Aaron's eyes looked sad, sadder than they had ever looked before.

  
Aaron shook his head and lowered his head before whispering "I _can't,_ " and making Robert frown and want to ask why. He was _interested_ , he had _always_ been interested and now Aaron was by his bed, sniffing and holding back tears and looking at him almost expecting an answer.

  
"Is it the sofa? Did I spill something on it or something?" Robert's eyes widened, he couldn't remember making a mess but it seemed plausible.

  
Aaron shook his head again and sighed,  
"I don't want to be on my own." He whispered softly, a tear rolled down his face and Robert suddenly inhaled a sharp breath because he wasn't expecting that. Aaron wasn't this open, this willing to tell him how he felt and despite the fact that he hardly knew him, Aaron was desperate enough to turn _him_ and Robert could hardly turn him away. He wasn't _that_ cruel.

Aaron didn't know why he was saying it all, why he was opening up like this but he felt the need to, Robert was Robert, someone who he could _trust_ not to _care_ about him like other people. He could count on Robert to be someone who let him just be himself without wanting to do anything about it without Victoria or Adam begging him to. He had realised that as soon as he marched out a few hours ago, Robert was only trying to convince him to stay because of his little sister and her husband, not because he cared and that felt oddly comforting.

  
Robert nodded his head as if to say ' _you don't have to be_ ' but not daring to actually say anything at all, he looked towards the space in his bed, as small as it was, shifting slightly until Aaron was looking at the space next to Robert too and then back at Robert with this look in his eyes that seemed surprised. Aaron's eyes fell onto Robert's cheek, it was red and swollen slightly and he felt sick, "I'm sorry," he let out softly "I didn't mean to hurt ya..."

  
Robert shrugged his shoulders admiring Aaron's apology but not wanting him to feel as though it meant as much as it did.  
"Could have aimed better." Robert said quickly before looking towards Aaron and then shaking his head because Aaron wasn't laughing, Aaron was on the verge of tears.

  
"Why do I always hurt people?" Aaron added sobbing softly and then rubbing an arm over his face.

Robert didn't know what to do, what to say and suddenly he shook his head and sighed "Are you coming in here or not? I'm freezing." He chuckled, he was lightening the mood suddenly and Aaron was actually...wait... _smiling_. It was refreshing and not having someone pull him into a crushing hug made Aaron smile wider because despite the fact that Robert seemed to be wary of him, Aaron could _breathe_ when he was Robert, really _breathe_  and be this mardy, moody man without it mattering.

  
Aaron pulled off his shoes and then his hoddie, trembling from the cold and then he was looking at Robert as if to say _'are you sure?'_ and Robert was nodding his head slowly. Not because he _was_ but because Aaron was practically freezing by his bed and he felt bad. Aaron slipped into the bed, suddenly _falling_ and feeling the weight of the _soft_ fabric beneath him. Robert was literally a few _inches_ away from him, close enough to _touch_ , to _hold_ if he really wanted to. But he didn't, he just _needed_ _someone_ and Robert was there, willing albeit reluctantly to share his space.

  
Robert's heart was beating out of his chest loudly, he had _never_ shared a bed with a man like this. Andy yes when he was younger but _not_ like this, _not_ with someone like Aaron that had literally punched him a few hours ago, not with someone who needed to feel someone next to them so badly.

  
Robert bit his lip as he heard Aaron sniffle, his back was to Robert facing the door as if he was purposely trying to make sure Robert had enough space, curling himself up and breathing shallowly, trying to be as invisible as possible. Robert didn't want to touch him or hold him tightly or anything like that, he just wanted to make sure he was...okay.

  
"Aaron...are you okay?" Robert mumbled as he leaned over and saw that Aaron was silently sobbing, tears streaming down his face as his eyes remained closed.

  
Aaron nodded his head as he felt Robert's breath near him, Robert could be soothing, soft and concerned and he didn't know what to say because he wasn't, because he had spent the night by Jackson's grave crying and wishing he was still alive whilst he shivered and shook in the cold.

  
"I just want him back...I'm so tired of being alone..." Robert didn't expect it, he knew who ' _he_ ' was but Aaron hadn't ever said anything about him when they had their mini conversations here and there. Robert bit his lip and suddenly he was raising a hand and firmly putting one on Aaron's shoulder, holding him in place and whispering "You're not alone...trust me..."

He didn't want to add what he thought, he didn't want to say _'you have me'_ or _'I'll help you through this_ ' because despite the fact that he thought it all, who was he to say anything, to even _think_ that way? Aaron didn't _need_ another person in his life like that, telling him that things would get better and that he would be happy again some day because that cynical shit could be saved for his so called best friend to reiterate.

  
Aaron nodded his head and looked towards Robert nodding his head and smiling weakly, "You're nicer than they say you are." He whispered and suddenly Robert was chuckling and frowning a little. Robert was unpopular, fact. Aaron had never bothered to ask why, he never cared but now he was in his bed and his voice was soft and slow and he wanted to tell almost everyone that he _wasn't_ as mean as he may seem.

  
"Is that so?" Robert said before rolling his eyes, "Well don't go say anything eh." He added before laying back down and moving across slightly so that Aaron had more space than before and there was a tiny space between them, empty yet filled with this spark of electricity they both created.

  
"Night then," Robert mumbled lamely, he didn't want to sound too...too anything over the top, he tried to seem cool, soft, unaffected despite the fact that his heart was beating out of his chest because Aaron _needed_ so much more help than he had first thought.

  
"Night," Aaron whispered back, still his back facing Robert and a barrier very much in between them that he thought they _needed_.

Aaron hated himself, felt drained and alone but for the first time in months he had fallen asleep with the sound of someone humming softly in their sleep as they lay next to him, the weight of someone's body so close to him that he could almost feel their strength _melting_ into him and he couldn't help but rest soundly with a small smile laced right across his lips.

He wasn't completely alone.

 

~ ~

 

Robert tried to adjust to the light, blinking frantically as he felt the light pour into his room and down directly on his bed, he flinched slightly and then had expected to feel Aaron groan angrily irritated beside him but he didn't. Robert craned his neck round and his eyes were met with empty sheets, the soft white fabric seemed as though Aaron had pressed his hands over them to make them look hardly slept in, as if to _forget_ the night. Robert stretched his legs, the position he was in last night made from an uncomfortable sleep yet he could hardly roll around in a bed that Aaron fucked up Dingle was sleeping in too.

He had been so closed off as they slept, neither said a word all night and despite first calling a 'night Aaron' it took ages for Robert to finally doze off. He carefully had listened to the sound of Aaron sleeping and tried to trace the peace that he had whenever his eyes were closed and his mind has finally switched off the dark thoughts. He was so interested.

  
Robert peered further along the bed and saw a large mug of coffee resting on his bed side table, his favourite mug with the weird green spots that made him feel about five, out of it was coming steaming hot coffee obviously just made. Robert smiled realising that this little gesture would serve as a sort of thank you for last night from Aaron and maybe even another sorry for the punch he received.

Robert met Aaron on the stairs a little while later, he wasn't expecting Aaron to still be around but then felt like an idiot for wondering where else he could be. Robert bit his lip as he looked at Aaron who was looking away from him slightly, his lips were parted and his hair was wet as his clothes hung to his body tightly.

  
"Thanks for the -"

  
"Don't worry." Aaron let out a small sigh as if suddenly he was uncomfortable with the space between him and Robert.

  
Robert nodded his head and squinted slightly as he looked down towards Aaron's arm and saw that there seemed to be a small spot of blood smeared across messily.

  
"Your...your arm -"

  
Again Aaron didn't give Robert time to even finish his sentence, he was pulling himself away and breathing quickly and suddenly his eyes found Robert's and he stared, just stared for a second before "It's just a bit of blood, don't look so -"

  
Robert suddenly scoffed because he saw the look on Aaron's face and it screamed ' _don't look so worried, Jesus_ ' and Robert did not want Aaron to think he was in anyway worried about him despite himself Robert shook his head quickly.

  
"Trust me I'm not...just thought you might want clean it up before Adam and Vic get back." Robert let out cooly despite the fact that his mind was racing with overheard conversations between Adam and Victoria about Aaron's 'self harming issues'. A topic that Robert nearly understood, never quite grasped because admittedly so, he was ignorant when it came to grief and the desperate hold it can have over you.

Robert had never quite allowed himself to feel anything even close to what he imagined Aaron was going through, not even with his dad. Robert shuddered as he thought about him and the way he never gave himself a chance to grieve the way most people did, it was probably the reason why Aaron's displays of grief and suffering hit him the way it did. He hadn't seen anything like it before, never seeing the tears from his siblings or Diane, never quite believing that anyone could feel such pain over someone else. It all came back to love he thought, the fact that despite how rawly he loved his dad, he wasn't _in_ love with him like Aaron was with his boyfriend, he had never experienced love like that and seeing Aaron standing on the staircase, blood smeared across his lower arm and panic in his eyes made him _never_ want to fall in love, because that's exactly what Aaron had seemingly done, he had _fell_ and he just kept _fucking_ falling.

  
Aaron was smiling weakly at Robert because he wasn't expecting him to be so unfazed by the blood on his arm that he had caused himself last night. Surely Adam and Victoria had briefed the blonde on all his issues, all his self harm and the way he was in general so why did Robert seem to be so...cool and collected. Suddenly Aaron realised that he didn't care, that Robert had no _reason_ to care whatsoever and Aaron liked it that way, he needed to be this person without anyone caring.

Adam and Victoria both looked happier as they piled through the door kissing and laughing like teenagers, Robert would have rolled his eyes or pulled a face if Victoria didn't look so _rested_ and content.

  
"Ehhhup Rob," Adam cheered as he settled their overnight bags on the kitchen table and tapped Robert on the shoulder.

  
Robert turned towards him and allowed himself to smile softly, "Suppose you had a good time then." He said cooly and then shook his head "Spare me the details though eh." He added making Adam laugh.

  
Victoria bit her lip and then suddenly dropped her face slightly as she studied the room, "Where's Aaron?" She asked softly.

  
After Aaron and Robert's weird interaction on the stairs that left Robert feeling odd and regretful Aaron had got dressed and left without saying a word.

Robert felt the need to find him, seek him out and ask him more about the blood, more about how he was doing, coping, feeling about everything but then he realised that people doing exactly that around Aaron wasn't helping at all. Robert was in a unique position, an outer side who could still help without it effected Aaron too much or making him _feel_ like Robert was making a difference. Robert had been there for Aaron last night in a way he realised no one else had been, Aaron had said something in a whisper that he probably spent months trying to get out to anybody ' _I don't want to be alone'_.

For Robert it seemed simple enough, just like how punters tell the barmaids all their problems, Aaron was simply using Robert as a person to turn to. Robert had become _someone_ he thought for Aaron to do or say what he wanted without feeling guilty about it at all because...Robert _didn't_ show he cared as much as Adam or Victoria. Robert was this pillar of strength for Aaron, unfazed by things others would find simply horrific like blood smeared across his skin or his desperate cries at night. Aaron could open up and then close with Robert if he wanted to, knowing that the man didn't care enough to want to _change_ him, or even look at him like the others did, like he was constantly on egg shells around him, desperately wary and scared for him. It was refreshing, it was what Aaron needed and it was what Robert could be.

  
"He left a while ago," Robert mumbled before frowning as he saw Victoria's face, her eyes widening slightly and her mouth falling open.

  
"Did he do that?" Victoria's voice went up a level higher as she pointed towards Robert's cheek, it was still red, still the skin was slightly raised nut hardly as visible as the night before.

  
Robert stammered slightly wondering what would happen if he told them it _was_ Aaron. Surely Victoria and Adam would argue about him still staying with them, Aaron would be out on the streets and the thought made Robert feel uneasy, guilty even.

  
"No, no I hit it against..." Robert whispered holding a hand to his cheek and brushing over it gently, "Bit tipsy, I er...no it was me not him." The way he was lying made Robert feel weird, feel odd and as though Aaron didn't really deserve him doing such things for him. But then he remembered the way Aaron had been crying last night, the way he had seemed broken and lost and he realised that he _needed_ him to lie. Aaron needed Robert and Robert didn't want to let him down, as though he _owed_ him something back, as though Robert benefited from the feel of someone next to him last night, the weight of Aaron so close to him...as if he was just as lonely as Aaron was -

  
"Well that's something I guess. Ashley said that he saw him going towards Jackson's grave last night...said he looked like he had been drinking..."

  
Adam shook his head as he spoke and suddenly Victoria looked towards Robert.

  
"When isn't he either crying or drinking?" Robert said the words shakily, he wanted to sound like was making a point, not worried or concerned.

  
Victoria was shaking her head and pulling a face and Robert relaxed slightly because his words had the desired effect, drawing attention away from how he really felt.

  
Adam looked towards Robert and suddenly his expression darkened,  
"He's -"

  
Robert raised a hand out, "Grieving yeah I get that but...how comes you lot just... _accept_ it?"

  
Victoria darted her eyes across the room and then back towards her brother,  
"What else can we do?" Her voice was slightly panicked and suddenly Adam was pulling an arm out and moving towards her.

Robert suddenly realised that Adam and Victoria were just as clueless as he was when it came to dishing out the right sort of help, they loved Aaron, Robert didn't, yet still they had no idea how to help him, how to pull him out of how he was feeling.

  
"He wants your help," Robert said the words quickly causing Adam to frown.

  
"Has he said summat?" Robert couldn't ignore the panic in Adam's voice or the way he seemed almost...jealous.

  
Robert gulped ' _he's said plenty_ ' circling his head but not saying anything at all, almost not being _able_ to say anything because he didn't want to broke Aaron's trust, it seemed...special all of a sudden.

  
Robert shook his head quickly, "No but...I mean...look it doesn't take a genius to see what's going on with him." He said cooly before looking at Victoria and then towards Adam. Their blank faces baffled him and soon he realised that maybe _because_ they were so attached to Aaron they didn't see what Robert saw. The thought made Robert seem...different, separated and for the first time... _special_ in comparison to everyone else who knew Aaron. He saw him....he _saw_ Aaron the way no one else saw the troubled boy.

  
"He's...he's drinking, drinking to forget everything and you lot letting him isn't going to help him, you just...just accepting it and putting it all down to grief is making him think it's okay even though he knows it isn't, he is expecting you to to help him, deep down he wants you to but what you're doing now...it isn't helping him." Robert looked away from Victoria and Adam who were both frowning at him.

  
The air was thick with silence until -

  
"How do you know all this is? You hardly see him? You don't even give a toss." Adam seemed hurt Robert could tell. Hurt that Aaron _did_ need help and hurt that he didn't spot it before his brother in law.

  
Robert shrugged his shoulders, "Maybe it's because I _don't_...I just see things like they are." He said cooly as Victoria looked at him, craning her neck before looking back at Adam and pursing her lips.

  
"He's right...we need to talk to Chas, make sure that he...gets some help or summat. He can't carry on like this Adam." Victoria said sadly and sudden to Robert found himself cheering on his little sister.

  
Adam pulled away slightly, "I know he does! I just...what if he gets all...all...Aaron on us and just wants to be left alone." He said loudly.

  
Robert leaned back slightly.

  
_'I don't want to be alone.'_

  
Robert thought of Aaron suddenly and wanted to shake him, to tell him that he wasn't alone again like he did last night, it was frustrating, Aaron was _fucking_ frustrating, he was loved, he had people who loved him all around.

  
Not like Robert, not like when _he_ was lonely and felt unloved, damaged and broken by the world that he was apart of, one filled with drugs and hate, violence and sex that still made Robert itch all over.

 

~ ~

 

That night Robert lay awake, eyes wide and his breathing slow and unwilling to speed up just a little bit so that Robert could try and rest his eyes. It was almost as if he couldn't rest, not without knowing where Aaron was and it was _fucking_ frustrating once again because he shouldn't give a damn but to say he _actually_ didn't care would be a lie. A lie that was getting bigger and bigger by the hours rolling by.

Then the door handle was creaking, opening and feet shuffling towards Robert and he was there. This time he wasn't crying, his face almost looked calm, relaxed even. Robert's stomach twisted as he saw Aaron, he wasn't sure he would be there again, by his door, standing and staring. Not when Adam and Victoria were next door, not when he could wake up Adam and chat with him all night if he needed to.

"Hey," Aaron mumbled as he stood by the door, his eyes darting across the room as if he hadn't ever been there before.

  
Robert blinked softly, "Hi..." He tried to seem cool, unbothered, unfazed but then Aaron was looking at him like _that_ , like he wanted to say ' _can you stay awake until I fall asleep?_ ' But he wouldn't dare.

  
Robert didn't say anything else, he kept his stare, gazing almost into Aaron's eyes that suddenly he realised were this beautiful blue, and then moved up on the bed a little like he did the night before.

  
Aaron bit his lip and hesitated to speak before moving further towards the bed.

  
"Get in then..." Robert sighed softly causing Aaron to slide in next to him slowly. Instantly Robert felt different, as if Aaron had this effect on him that made his heart rate increase again, like he had this spark, this spurt of energy that made him feel important, _alive_.

  
"Oh and don't keep shuffling like ya did last night okay....felt like I was sleeping next to a fish." Robert said suddenly chuckling as he remembered, Aaron looked at him inhaling slightly because they hadn't talked about last night at all until now. Robert wondered what Aaron would say because he was frowning but then he was smiling and Robert relaxed.

  
"A fish?" Aaron said slowly through a smile.

Robert nodded his head, "Yeah like all swimming about." He chuckled again and almost prompted Aaron to do the same thing, to smile and laugh and it worked slightly....Aaron was smiling probably for the first time today because Adam hadn't been around but...Robert had made him smile.

  
Aaron rolled his eyes looking up at the ceiling and then towards Robert, their faces only inches apart due to the small bed Robert had.

  
"Yeah well don't go kicking me either." Aaron mumbled playfully and instantly Robert was trying to smile, trying to hide something that was on his mind, something about his past and the way he would kick out in his sleep in sleazy hotel rooms laying next to some girl, high on something or other.

  
Robert looked towards Aaron and stared, stared for a little too long because Aaron was starting to frown at him. Robert pulled away quickly not wanting Aaron to think he was at all...admiring him. Robert didn't understand why he _was_ looking at Aaron like that, why he found himself admiring a _broken_ , _damaged_ and so very _lost_... _man_. A man. The thought made him scared because he hasn't admired a man before, he had looked at boys when he was younger but they were always...athletic, well built...almost just _perfect_ and nothing like Aaron, nothing like him at all.

Robert had always had trouble sleeping, well since taking drugs became a hobby and nights weren't for sleeping they were solely for getting as high as possible. Robert could hear Aaron's breathing next to him quicken, before suddenly he was turning and looking at Robert with panic in his eyes.

  
"I can't sleep," Aaron whispered as he shuffled softly on the bed and bit his lip harshly. It killed him, almost every attempt at falling asleep was crushed by the sight of Jackson, seeing him cry and beg for him to take his life, it _killed_ him.

  
Robert could see how scared Aaron looked and almost had to restrain himself from leaning over and holding him. He felt this _need_ to and he didn't understand why because Aaron _still_ made him feel weird, feel odd and confused but now he was almost accepting the feelings... _dealing_ with them.

  
"Me either." Robert said slowly because his eyes were still wide eyed and he didn't know whether it was just because he wasn't tried or because...because he could _tell_ Aaron wasn't okay, at peace and relaxed and that made him feel uneasy.

  
"Every time I close my eyes he's there." Aaron shuddered, not allowing tears to fall and clutching at the sheets.

  
Robert gulped hard and nodded his head,  
"Jackson." He said the name and instantly wanted to take it back, as if he didn't have the right to speak about him at all.

  
Aaron was looking at Robert and then nodding his head just enough to make Robert realise he was right.

  
"It feels wrong, but I need someone." Aaron whispered the words as he looked at Robert and then at the small space between them that begged to be filled.

  
Robert frowned softly, "What are ya on about?" He asked weakly trying to understand what Aaron meant.

  
"When I close my eyes he's there and when I open them...you're here, tell me it isn't wrong." Aaron couldn't hold back his tears for a minute longer, he was almost drowning in his pain and _needing_ Robert to tell him it was okay, that lying next to him was _okay_.

  
Robert shuffled towards Aaron and nearly touched him, nearly held his hand.

  
"I'm sure he'd tell me about if it wasn't okay." Robert smiled before looking up towards the ceiling, "If I get struck by lighting I reckon I'd know who to blame...probably get the hint too." He added before looking at Aaron, he couldn't work out his expression, his mouth was slightly open as if he was taken aback.

  
Robert breathed out sharply and then looked away. Shit that wasn't funny.

  
"Sorry I didn't mean to - I shouldn't have -"

  
Aaron sniffed slowly before smiling weakly at Robert and pulling more of the covers over him, "Don't worry I...I er don't mind how you don't really think about what you say around me." He was smiling even wider and Robert was blushing because...well he didn't really know why but Aaron not minding qualities about him that others hated made him feel like fucking blushing.

Victoria always went on about him needing to watch what he said in front of people, even said something about Aaron too but now Aaron was smiling at him, his eyes red and raw from crying but still that beautiful blue that Robert couldn't help but... _admire_.

  
"You treat me like I'm...normal." Aaron let the words out slowly.

  
Robert shrugged his shoulders,  
"You ain't an alien Aaron." He sniffed softly, "I get what you mean though," he did, people used to treat him like he was insane because he was involved with drugs and he hated it, "But they're only...they care Aaron that's why they treat you differently." He whispered thinking of Adam and Victoria.

  
Aaron nodded his head slowly,  
"I like how you don't." He said quickly making Robert's heart race because he wanted to scream _'let me care about you'._

  
Robert hesitated to speak looking at Aaron and then away again.

  
"It's not that I don't care -"

  
"It helps...you not freaking out like they do, you letting me just...just chat shit at three in the morning because you can't sleep either, you not caring...not wanting to -"

  
"Fix you," Robert let out the words slowly, he was thinking back to the nights off his face surrounded by people who didn't care if he survived the night or not, he remembered the comfort he found in it. How no one felt a need to drag anyone out of the life they were in.

No one wanted to fix anyone, it was just... _accepted_. He could be that for Aaron whilst making sure Adam and Victoria got him help, he could be the guy who didn't care.

  
Aaron didn't know why but he wanted to touch Robert, wanted to feel him closer to him because he _understood_ like no one else seemed to.

  
"I get it, I've been there...people wanting to help." A girlfriend sprang to mind, one who had enough of the drugs, "It helps sometimes when people just _let_ you do what you want."

  
Aaron frowned softly, "What happened?" He said softly because suddenly he wanted to know about this mysterious man, Robert hesitated and Aaron then felt it again, this need to touch him, "I won't judge, _can't_ really." He said with a weak smile.

  
"I was on drugs a while back. It's why I struggle sleeping sometimes, used to spend this time getting high not...not sleeping." Robert blurted it all out and studied the way Aaron's eyes widened in surprise.

  
"Yeah I don't look the sort do I?" Robert mumbled because he was expecting surprise, he had completely changed himself over the past few months and he was hardly the same man that snorted shit for fun, to numb a feeling he couldn't escape.

  
"I was lonely. Turns out drugs and people who take drugs don't make ya feel so lonely." Robert smiled weakly, "For a little while anyway." He added and then Aaron was touching him. It sent a tingle racing through him almost immediately. Aaron couldn't help it, just a small stroke across Robert's hand before pulling away again and looking up at Robert's face. He hadn't expected drugs, but the loneliness...he could relate to, he could expect from someone so closed off as Robert.

  
"Where you...I mean are ya a -"

  
Robert shook his head recovering from the sensation Aaron's touch sent through him, "No, I'm not an addict. Could have been though, if I hadn't bumped into Vic and she hadn't had asked me to move home." He said with a worrying smile. It could have gone so differently.

  
"You won't tell Vic...she'll be crushed if she thought I was you know -"

  
Aaron looked down at his arm and then back to Robert, "It's safe with me." He whispered.

  
Robert sighed hard and moved down on the bed he still kept thinking about the way Aaron thought he didn't care, "Aaron about the not caring thing -"

  
Aaron shook his head, "You _understand_ , that means more." He said softly because despite the fact that Robert didn't seem to want to help him the way Adam and Victoria or his mum did, he seemed to _get_ him like no other. He liked how he didn't care, didn't feel attached or this need to make a difference in his life, yet still understood enough to know just what to say.

  
Robert nodded his head before leaning down and causing Aaron to copy him, this time Aaron looked towards Robert as he tried to sleep, he was looking straight at Robert and admiring his freckles that darted across his face. Robert could _feel_ Aaron staring and began to blush again yet when he opened his eyes finally he found that Aaron had actually fallen asleep...staring at him. The thought made Robert's stomach flip again and suddenly he was daring to move closer because he _felt_ closer to Aaron, he had said something to him no one else knew and it wasn't because Aaron was Aaron, this troubled boy who had been through worse, it wasn't because he didn't know Aaron that well and he felt it easier to tell a stranger....it was because he _wanted_ to.

  
"I'll be what you need me to be Aaron..." Robert whispered softly into the air because he just had to get it out, he _cared_ about Aaron now more than he would ever want to admit but if Aaron believing he didn't made it _easier_ than that's how it would be. He would be anything Aaron needed him to be. The thought scared him, made him feel sick with nerves because this boy who wasn't his problem was quickly becoming important, changing him and making him act differently just to suit this troubled lad that still had no clue how much he _cared_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys just wanted to say a massive thank you for all the lovely messages I received on this fic because i was a lil nervous about showing aaron's grief and the way he handled it, i drew some feelings from personal experiences and i'm glad that people have said it seems in character. 
> 
> i split the last part firstly because i think that it was too long and secondly because uploading over like 12,000 words does something terrible to my ipad and causes issues. 
> 
> enjoy ;)

The next day Robert could almost still _feel_ Aaron in the room, in his bed, close to him like he was last night and it made him smile, but then he opened his eyes and Aaron wasn't there, Aaron was gone just like before. To say it stung would be a bit far, Robert didn't...well Robert _did_ care but not _that_ way, he didn't feel sad about the lack of space in his bed, he didn't _miss_ Aaron being there.

That was for sure.

Robert moved up across the bed and held onto the side of his bed before suddenly seeing his mug, the same one as the other day, filled with coffee steaming out and instantly Robert was thinking of Aaron and...smiling. It caught him by surprise, feeling himself smile as he thought about Aaron, for the first time he didn't feel _weird_ when his mind raced to Aaron, he didn't feel panicked at the thought of his name. This time the feeling coursing through him was almost...appreciation or at least some level of fondness that he hadn't ever felt before. If was enough to make Robert want to smile wider.

Robert couldn't remember the last time someone had made him _want_ to smile.

Robert hovered over the stairs, taking his time down each step and then pulling back suddenly when he heard Aaron mumbling downstairs with Adam and Victoria.

  
"Oh c'mon lad! Just a few pints later." Robert heard Adam's voice and shook his head, obviously his more than obvious conversation with them about Aaron hadn't had the desired effect.

  
_Great one Adam let's pile him with more alcohol whilst trying to tell him to ease off it._

  
Robert leaned in closer towards the stairs so he could hear better.

  
"Er no I don't think...no I'll pass." Aaron voice, mumbling, soft yet a hint of irritation that made Robert wonder how long Adam had been trying to persuade him.

  
"I was hoping to have a word." G _reat well done Adam that was really smooth_. Robert almost rushed down the stairs and tried to break it up, the air seemed thick and he almost _knew_ Aaron was going to get suspicious.

  
"About what?" Aaron said with a hint of nervousness that made Robert feel _something_.

  
"Nothing just er just a chat." Victoria's voice was high, she was lying.

  
"You're coming?" Aaron raised his voice a little louder so that Robert could hear better.

  
"Well yeah I thought that it would be nice if we _all_ just had a little _chat._ " Adam was awful, Robert could have killed him because of how obvious he was making this much needed intervention seem.

  
Robert took one step further down the stairs so that he could see Aaron's face. His eyes were darting across the room, his face was growing red and more alert as the silence continued.

  
Aaron wanted to _run_ , to scream and leave the house because he _knew_ what this chat was going to entail and he didn't want it, he wasn't ready for it.

  
"Just a few pints..." Adam was like a _fucking_ dog with a bone and Robert realised that he obviously couldn't find a different approach. A pint and a deep conversation was the only plan of action it seemed.

  
"Well I don't think that's for the best." Victoria chirped in and suddenly Aaron was firing back _knowing_ what she meant.

  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Aaron cut through the atmosphere and instantly Robert's heart rate increases because he was _angry_ , _frustrated_ for Aaron and how his sister and her husband were trying to _help_. For once Robert felt superior, as if he was almost above everyone else because he _understood_ , he wasn't good at _feelings_ and he didn't know what the hell to do for someone like Aaron and what he was going through but at least he seemed to _get_ him.

  
The air was thick with silence as Victoria stared open eyed trying to think of what to say because Aaron's alcohol intake was suddenly a _problem_ and her husband offering a few pints as they talked about stopping all that didn't seem useful at all.

  
Aaron breathed out a small sigh before shaking his head, "You two go, I'll stay here." He said the words cooly as if he had thought about it, Robert leaned back against the wall suddenly feeling alive at the thought of Aaron _thinking_ about staying home, staying with...him.

  
Adam hesitated before speaking, "What? No, the idea was -"

  
"Think I have a pretty good idea what the _idea_ was...still saying here though, you two go like I said." Aaron was almost ordering it, telling them to leave and Robert could tell he was trying to push them away, it _hurt_ him because as much as they had failed Victoria and Adam _did_ want to help.

  
Victoria bit her lip, "But what about Robert, he'll be here...wouldn't you prefer just like one drink at the pub with us?" She was speaking too quickly and causing Robert to lean even further down the stairs so he could see Aaron's face clearer.

  
Robert's heart was beating, desperately hard because all at once the attention was solely on himself and...what Aaron thought of him.

  
Aaron was frowning, Robert could see and he wanted to know why.

  
"With me mum? Don't think so..." Aaron scoffed, it hurt to think that Chas would want to reconcile, to talk, to take him back and _look_ at him like _that_.

  
"Better than a night alone!" Adam said through a laugh "You saying you'd rather stay here with her lonely older brother than go out with us?" He added before suddenly crying out as Victoria hit him hard on the arm.

  
Robert's eyes widened.

  
_Lonely...well the fucker wasn't wrong._

  
Adam was still laughing, even Victoria was smiling slightly but Aaron wasn't. Aaron was rolling his eyes and shaking his head as if in disagreement.

  
"He's not bad, not as bad as you say anyway..." Robert's heart almost gave way because suddenly he didn't realise that Aaron's opinion on him could mean so damn much.

  
The laughter from Adam stopped and was replaced with a small grunt and then a sigh.

  
"Yeah right he's the biggest recluse I've ever met, hardly leaves this house -"

  
"He works from home." Victoria said sharply before rolling her eyes and shaking her head at her ignorant husband.

  
Aaron was looking away and burning his lip because suddenly he didn't like the way Adam was talking about Robert, the Robert who cared without caring or whatever the fuck he felt.

  
"Aaron seriously when he first came back..."

  
Robert tensed slightly as he thought about how he was those first couple of days, _tense_ and _secretive_ because he was paranoid that Adam or Victoria or Andy or Diane would be able to _tell_ that he was on drugs only a few days ago. Aaron rolled his eyes because he was thinking about it too, thinking about what Robert had told him last night because he couldn't sleep either, not because he wanted to tell Aaron something in confidence...no just because he couldn't sleep...

  
"Don't really give a toss to be honest with ya." Aaron growled and suddenly Robert was smiling because he knew that's not what Aaron really thought, he purposely didn't want to hear Adam sprout his shit. It made Robert's heart skip faster because surely Aaron would take Adam's side, laugh with him about Robert 'the weird reclusive' Sugden and find some enjoyment.

 

Not cut him off, just like that.

  
Adam lifted his eyebrows before making a small o with his mouth, "Oooooo." He teased before laughing, "Well I'm sure you'll thrive in his great company."

  
Robert tensed as he heard the words because...  _Adam was such a twat._

  
"He's _decent_ company as it goes...knows when to shut up unlike someone I know." Aaron didn't have to add that, he had made his point across before but now he was saying that he was decent _company_ and suddenly Robert's mind was racing back to last night.

Was he decent company for Aaron last night?

  
Decent fucking company, hardly a compliment but _shit_ it meant a lot, because this was from Aaron. Aaron who hardly talked to him without the comfort of the night and the warmth of sheets beneath him, Aaron saw him as 'decent' company.

Robert found himself smiling as he leaned against the wall and thought about it over and over and over again, hardly listen to Victoria talking about still having a drink with Adam after work and Adam mumbling something about Aaron choosing 'a moody Sugden over him'. He caught that part though, he caught the sound of Adam's voice and the way he seemed stung by what he was saying because he felt as though his best mate was actually _choosing_ Robert over him.

He _was_ though, wasn't it?

 

~ ~

 

Robert should have been working, tapping away at the laptop that was almost _calling_ his name but Aaron was downstairs, Aaron was _just_ downstairs and Victoria and Adam were gone.

It wasn't late. Victoria and Adam would be back soon he was sure but that didn't stop him. Robert couldn't help himself and suddenly that's how he almost always felt about Aaron, like when he was with him he couldn't control himself despite the fact that he _had_ to, despite the fact that he had to control the panic he felt when he saw Aaron confess to his...worries, doubts, fears.

Aaron was sitting on the sofa, chewing his nails and staring at the television, can in hand that instantly Robert had noticed as he entered the room.

Since that morning Robert had stayed in his room, still hiding his blush from Aaron's words, and trying to _focus_ on emailing a supplier or something. Headphones had been a distraction for the majority of the time, turning up his music and then down again whenever he heard footsteps on the landing because... _no one was going to know he was listening to Taylor Swift, especially not Aaron_.

Victoria had knocked on his door a few hours later, her hair loose and flowing by her shoulders as she wore a dress to pretty to grace the Woolpack in.

  
"You look nice," Robert said weakly because he wasn't God with compliments, giving that is.

  
Victoria rolled her eyes and blushed because she wasn't good a receiving them, "Me and Adam are going over to the pub now, having dinner there too, I bet Chas will want a word n'all." Victoria seemed bitter about the last part and Robert raised his eyebrows as if to say ' _go on_ '.

Victoria went to speak yet Adam suddenly was stood behind her, a nice shirt on that made Robert roll his eyes.

  
"Ready to go babe," Adam said softly as he saw Victoria nod her head and pull away from Robert's door.

  
"Make sure you get something sorted."

  
Adam twisted his body round to Robert,  
"We can't force him to go back home -"

  
"I'm not talking about making him leave, maybe just making sure he dosent drain the village dry."

  
Victoria rolled her eyes, "He's not an alcoholic Robert, chill out."

  
Robert nodded his head, "I know but...he does need help."

  
Adam looked offended, his face somewhat tense now, "Well it's easy to just _say_ isn't it. We know he needs help and we'll get him some when he's ready."

  
Robert gulped hard because he felt like a fool, he was making Adam this angry over Aaron and it wasn't his place, well in Adam's eyes if anything.

  
Adam sighed hard and squeezed Victoria's shoulder, "C'mon lets go...." He said causing Victoria to smile at Robert and leave the room.

  
Adam looked wound up, tense and ready for a fight and Robert didn't want that "Adam I wasn't tryna -"

  
"Real easy to judge when you don't give a toss."

  
He did, he did a little too much and that's what hurt the most, just how _much_ he seemed to care about something he didn't need to care about.

  
Robert shook his head and sighed, "It's not -"

  
Adam rolled his eyes and walked towards the door, "I know Aaron's not your problem...I'm not asking him to be but, don't dictate what we should do for him just 'cos ya don't like seeing him here."

  
Robert was almost taken aback because suddenly someone had voiced the words aloud, Aaron wasn't his problem, not now anyways. Maybe at night he was his problem, when he was crying beside him but _not_ in the day, _never_ in the day.

 

~ ~ 

 

The can was in Aaron's hand now as Robert stood by the sink hours later, almost burned into Robert's memory. More drink.

  
Aaron sipped the can before shyly looking towards Robert because he hadn't seen him all day, Adam was right...Robert _was_ a _recluse_.

  
"Got hungry did we?" Aaron seemed tense, annoyed as if he had been hurt by someone, Robert.

  
Robert turned sharply, hand on his hip staring at Aaron and frowning, "Well yeah...suppose," he was unsure, not knowing why exactly Aaron seemed to be so bothered for no apparent reason.

  
"Not been avoiding me then?" Aaron sounded less tense, more fragile, broken and the gulp of the can that lasted at least ten seconds made him seem even more damaged.

  
Robert blushed because it was as if Aaron _knew_ what he was doing all day, being cooped up in his room forcing himself to work when all he was thinking about was Aaron and what he was doing and what he was thinking and if he was okay. It was a complete _mind fuck._ Aaron was a complete _mind fuck_. Robert knew he shouldn't care, he didn't have to and that if anything Aaron appreciated him for not being like the rest, but he couldn't _help_ it. He was having these feelings that weren't completely weird anymore, they were accepted but not _wanted_ because they made him feel weak, submissive, completely surrendering to them would be like surrendering to the idea of Aaron, being _his_.

  
Robert gulped hard before looking at Aaron again, "Why would I do that?" He almost amazed himself sometimes when he thought about how easily he was able to just act as if he was hardly bothered about anything when inside his was bursting with butterflies, caged and ready to be unlatched.

  
Aaron shrugged his shoulders then and bit down on his lip almost avoiding Robert's stare, "Thought maybe I made ya uncomfortable..."

  
Robert was staring at Aaron and Aaron was staring back, his face filled with this worry that Robert desperately wanted to rid.

  
Robert scoffed loudly and rolled his eyes before smiling at Aaron, "I've had work to do Aaron."

  
Aaron instantly changed his expression, turning shy and bright and red and avoiding Robert again because he had got his answer and now he just felt like a prat for even thinking someone like Robert would be _avoiding_ him, just because he happened to hear his shit at night didn't mean anything to him, obviously didn't make Robert feel the least bit different...fazed.

  
Aaron chewed at his gum before smiling at Robert as if to say ' _don't you dare try and tease me_ ' but Robert was already smirking and adding, "I don't think about you all the time Aaron jezzz."

  
Aaron's eyes widened and suddenly he was smiling wider, "Not _all_ the time..."

  
Robert realised how it sounded, it sounded honest and true and surely Aaron wasn't _just_ teasing him.

  
"That would be a little greedy don't you think." It was flirting, surely. But with a _man_ , with someone like fucking Aaron. A man's man however gay he was. Robert found a part of him wanting to stop, yet the need to never stop making Aaron smile was too great to ignore. Much too great.

  
"Anyway why aren't you at the pub?" Robert was asking as if he hadn't heard the conversation that morning about him being 'decent' company. He had to hide his face, feeling his blush set in again.

  
Aaron shrugged his shoulders, "Think they wanted a deep chat and I weren't in the mood." He sighed, just thinking about it made him want to take another sip of his beer.

 

He did.

  
"Oh right, that the only reason?" Robert was surely testing the waters, seeing if Aaron would _dare_ mention him, surely not.

  
Aaron frowned before swirling his finger at Robert, "Oh yeah there's my mum who I'd like to avoid...probably want me back living there."

  
"You wouldn't want to?"

  
Aaron shook his head quickly, "Suffocating there..."

  
"Not here though?" Robert asked because he was genuinely interested but then Aaron was frowning at him, "I mean Adam does bang on about stuff and Vic's always forcing food down me throat but...nah hardly."

  
Robert nodded his head before folding his arms over each other and smiling,  
"Any other reason ya didn't fancy going?"

  
Aaron squinted before rolling his eyes and _getting_ what Robert was trying to say to him, the thought made him blush because well it was slightly true.

  
"Well it was nothing to do with the company I'd be having if I stayed if that's what you're hinting at."

  
Robert raised his hands up and began to laugh, taken Aaron by surprise because he has never seen Robert laugh so much before, he should do it more often fell to his mind.

  
"Don't flatter yourself mate." Aaron said sternly before smiling.

  
Robert bit his lip and smiled back at Aaron because _surely_ this was _indeed_ flirty behaviour and Aaron was reciprocating it, "Wouldn't dare." He said slickly before winking and getting a "Fuck off," from Aaron in return.

 

~ ~ 

 

Aaron was sitting close to Robert, once again close enough to touch, just to lean across and find his fingers trailing against Robert if he wanted to. The thoughts he had for Robert made him feel bad, feel upset about why he was feeling that way when he was still grieving for his dead boyfriend. He hated the way Robert made him smile, or the way sometimes he would forget Jackson for just a second when he was with Robert and he was laughing and safe and secure. But what Aaron hated even more was the way he didn't hate the feelings at all, if anything he was sure he _craved_ them, craved Robert.

Another can, another swirl to the head but at least he found the alcohol taking effect, sometimes it would take long for the wooziness to kick in and Aaron would sit there in this weird haze that begged him to _think_ about things he was trying to avoid.

Robert suddenly realised it had been longer than two minutes, longer than ten, nearing fifteen and yet he was still relaxed in Aaron's company. The air was light and hardly as troubled and dense as the nights had been before, Aaron was looser, stealing looks from Robert whenever he could and almost blushing at times.

The can was empty now and Aaron was staring at Robert and then guiltily walking towards the fridge to get another one. It hurt Robert, pained him to see Aaron almost topple towards the fridge and then rip open another can to soak down.

  
Robert was biting his lip, _biting_ so damn hard he was nearly bleeding, until he just had to say "How many have you had?"

  
Aaron rolled his eyes as he walked back to him and this time sat a little bit closer to Robert making him redden slightly.

  
"A few. Well...a - a bit more than...I don't...actually know," Aaron seemed to be a bit tipsy, a bit more than that and it shouldn't have mattered but it did because he was obviously still in pain, still hurting and he was using alcohol to help him cope.

  
Aaron could see Robert's face, the way he looked away from him and suddenly he felt the need to explain, to say something more "Drink helps me forget...that I miss him...that, that I - I really _fucking_ miss him, until I get too drunk...and then he's all I think about..."

  
Robert bit his lip, once agin he understood, he could relate despite the fact that sometimes he felt he had to distance himself from Aaron, he knew that in some aspects they were similar. It made Robert feel like an idiot, to feel like a prick for the way he first viewed Aaron without knowing him, without knowing how _similar_ they were.

  
"I get what you mean," Robert dared to say and then Aaron was looking at him, giving him full attention, "I did that with drugs, tried to block out my dad dying and me not...not grieving properly."

  
Aaron's eyelids fluttered softly before sipping at his can and then staring at the floor for a few seconds, he started to breath harder, faster until he was inhaling and exhaling sharply and...crying.

  
Robert was so _close_ to him, he could have touched him and it wouldn't have made a difference because that's how close they were, but Robert didn't dare.

  
"Jackson would hate me." Aaron was sobbing his heart out, can in his hand as he rocked back and forth and pulled another hand through his hair messily.

  
"He would hate the fact that I'm...I'm just _existing_. He wanted to die because he didn't want to live anymore, because....the thought of carrying on and just - existing was...was so unimaginable...but also 'cos he wanted me to able to live mine....to live and - and I'm not..." Aaron looked at Robert and saw the look on his face that screamed _clueless_ but...intrigued.

  
Robert gulped because he _was_ clueless, he had no idea what to say because he wasn't good with _feelings_ , or _helping_ especially when he needed to be.

  
"That's...yeah of course he would have wanted the best for you." Robert was so weak, _fuck you fool that was ridiculous._

Aaron looked up at him before shaking his head and sighing as he clutched at his can and took another gulp. Robert almost winced, "That's why you shouldn't drink I mean -" Robert instantly felt like an idiot because he knew he sounded like Victoria, like he was being all judgemental despite his words coming from a loving place.

  
Aaron rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders before moving away from Robert entirely and making the space between them seem like a gigantic gaping hole that desperately _craved_ to be felt.

  
Yet Aaron was tipsy, alcohol coursing through his body and he just wanted to _pull_ away because he couldn't take it. Aaron hated the way Robert has almost sounded like Victoria or his mum, basically like he fucking cared when he didn't need to, when he shouldn't.

" _Stop._ " Aaron couldn't say anymore, he just couldn't.

  
Robert bit down on his lip because he knew he had fucked up by speaking like Victoria, "Stop what?"

  
Aaron shook his body as he was shaking off a feeling, "Acting like you give a toss."

  
"Is that what you think I'm doing?" Robert sounded angry, trying to remain calm wasn't working because Aaron just _kept_ on drinking and suddenly he could see Aaron's arm, the blood had been replaced with a scar that was long enough to make Robert want to be sick.

  
"You don't need to fucking pretend." Aaron was slurring on his word and the sound of his voice made Robert want to turn away, a voice in his head saying _he isn't your problem._

  
Pretend. If fucking only.

  
Robert walked towards Aaron and was a few inches away from him as he looked into Aaron's eyes, deep, troubled, messy and blue...so _fucking_ blue.

  
"I wish I was _pretending_ , I _fucking_ wish I didn't want to help ya...I _wish_ that you didn't mean... _something_ , that seeing you drink yourself into fucking oblivion and...and cutting yourself to shreds...didn't mean _something_. But it fucking _does_!" Robert was shaking, so close to Aaron he heard the way he took a sharp intake of breath. He needed to let it out, he needed to let Aaron see because he couldn't ignore it.

Aaron let a tear roll down his face, he was in shock. He didn't want this, he didn't want Robert caring, he wasn't supposed to care because if he cared then he would pity him and _look_ at him like _that_.

  
Robert shook his head and sighed because the silence was making him want to bolt up the stairs again, just like he head down that first night.

  
"You're not supposed to care." Aaron bit down on his lip and shook his head as he thought about it.

  
Robert shook his head, "Sorry for the inconvenience." He said with a hint of spite in his voice because he still couldn't get his head around just how _much_ he cared.

  
Aaron sniffed softly before looking at Robert, he was searching for that look of pity but not finding it, he saw worry and sadness but..but not pity and he just needed to make him leave before the feeling _did_ make an entrance. "You _think_ you care 'cos you're bored, you don't have a fucking life of your own." It was meant to sting, it _did_.

  
Robert nodded his head and backed away slightly.

  
"Go get one and leave me alone." Robert felt it hard, after he had just shouted at Aaron like that, shaking and full of this passion he had never had before.

  
Robert shook his head before sighing and turning to leave because he couldn't stay there and watch Aaron destroy himself like that, because it wasn't annoying anymore, it wasn't irritating and something that bugged Robert anymore, he didn't even feel weird now, he just felt too many feelings now, almost overflowing.

  
Aaron could see him leave, he didn't want him to because he knew if Robert left him alone then he would be a mess, he would probably drink the remainder of the can, the rest of the cans in the fridge and then race off to the pub, making a fool out of himself as he demanded to be served. He would drink to numb the pain, to numb the way he had made someone like Robert care and the way that made him feel.

  
"Don't go," Aaron hadn't been this open, this raw and natural and completely desperate for Robert and Robert only.

Robert turned around and met Aaron's eyes, instantly he had to pull his eyes away because he didn't want to see Aaron crying, tears spilling over and falling down his cheeks the way they were.

  
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry, I _do_ need ya, I _need_ your help and...and please just..." Aaron walked towards Robert and felt Robert loosen, open up the idea of being close to Aaron again after what he had said.

  
"I don't know why you even care."

  
"How can't I? I'm not made of stone Aaron." Robert looked away because he didn't want Aaron to see this pain in his eyes.

  
"I'm sorry."

  
Aaron started crying again, a mess almost begging Robert to help him as he sobbed.

  
"Can you fix it?" Aaron whispered causing Robert to frown.

  
"Fix what?" Robert asked before feeling his heart _sink_ because Aaron was pointing to his temple and twisting his finger in as he cried, "This...this fucking mess, I know I said before that I liked how you didn't want to but...I _need_ you to _fix_ this."

  
Robert let out a shaky breath, "Aaron..."

  
Aaron stopped himself from crying, rubbing his eyes hard, "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry."

  
"I bet ya sick of saying that," Robert said slowly as he looked at Aaron and then back towards the floor.

  
Aaron shrugged his shoulders, "Bet people are sick of having to hear it." Robert smiled weakly and tried to make it seem better, but he understood what Aaron was trying to say. "That's why I'm begging you Robert..." Aaron moved closer as Robert backed towards the wall "If you say you care...then _fix_ me." He said the words almost too tenderly, too gentle and then he was inches away from Robert's face.

Robert gulped hard as he stared into Aaron's eyes, "You don't need _fixing_ Aaron....you just need some help, some guidance to help ya try and move on with your life..."

  
Aaron's eyes darted towards Robert's chest and then up at him again, "I'll see someone, a counsellor or...or something." He said eagerly, almost trying his hardest to please Robert.

  
Robert smiled weakly, "If that's what you want..."

  
Aaron nodded his head before sniffing again, "I don't want to be this person anymore...I want to be happy..."

  
Robert looked towards Aaron's lips.

  
_I could make you happy, I could try and make you happy._

  
Aaron looked towards Robert's lips.

  
_Could you? Could you make me happy?_

  
Robert pulled out of the trance first, his eyes darting towards the walls and almost giving Aaron time to do the same.

 

~ ~ 

 

How they were back on the sofa none of them knew, Aaron might have swayed towards Robert or was nearly sick on the carpet but somehow Aaron had been carried back to the sofa and Robert was still so _close_. As if his little outburst before hand hadn't even happened, as if him begging Robert to 'fix him' was nothing but a weird dream.

  
"It's getting late." Robert remarked realising that Adam and Victoria would probably be back any minute asking questions about the state of Aaron and the way Robert had just _let_ him. _If only they knew, if fucking only._

  
Aaron shifted slightly before turning to Robert and nodding his head, he didn't want the moment to be over, yet "Yeah it is."

  
Robert could have reached out and touched Aaron, _could_ have.

  
"We should go to bed." Robert said the words too slowly, the dragged out and made Aaron fidget slightly because he had said _we_ , referring to their bed arrangement that was something that didn't discuss, for some reason or other.

  
"I mean me, me - I should go to bed." Robert stammered out the words loudly almost trying to prove a point.

  
Aaron nodded his head, "Yeah sure," he said softly, Robert moved up the sofa and lingered by the door wanting to say something, "Aaron, I -"

  
The door opened and Victoria and Adam walked in on the scene, Robert standing by the door open mouthed and Aaron looking sheepishly at them.

  
"Night then," Robert mumbled before climbing the stairs and avoiding Adam's glare.

 

~ ~ 

 

Robert couldn't help but stand on the top of the stairs and listen tentatively to the conversation downstairs.

  
"Don't start." Aaron almost growled because Adam was looking at the empty cans and sighing.

  
"Aaron we need to -"

  
Adam's pathetic attempts were ignored and soon Aaron was waving his arms about, pushing past him and calling out an excuse about needing some fresh air.

 

~ ~ 

  
The sound of the door slamming shut sent Robert straight to his room so he could see Aaron walk slowly around the village, he looked completely lost, alone, broken. Robert suddenly found his hand resting on the window as he watched Aaron rest himself against a bench near the pub, he was praying he would look up, turn around and see the way Robert was looking at him, but he didn't, he almost sat there as if he was waiting for something to happen and the thought made Robert shudder.

He would wait for him, until Aaron was ready to be close to Robert again, Robert _would_ wait. The thought scared Robert, he was always one of those people who was impatient, who would get what they wanted and then get bored, move on and find something else. But Aaron...he could wait for Aaron and still _want_ him, he could _understand_ and still want to be close to him and be _next_ to him and _listen_ and _try_ to help. Despite himself, despite his past and the way he always seemed to reach for something more...he would wait for Aaron without feeling like he was... _just_ waiting. He would be able to slow everything down and forget the haze he usually found himself surrounded by and he would focus on counting the minutes and waiting until Aaron was by his side again because it almost felt natural to do so. 

Natural to crave Aaron, the feeling reminded him of a drug, a drug that took over his mind, controlled his senses, his thoughts, his attitude and changed him entirely. The _high_ was always extraordinary but the _low_ , was low and the withdrawal was something he despised.

The waiting, the constant wait for the next high almost made him die each time...but Aaron wasn't like that. Aaron wasn't this drug that made him feel like dying when he wasn't around, _yes_ Aaron made him feel...like he was _high_ , but not on some shit he had snorted my for the first time simply high on _life_.

And this was a low, staring out of his window and waiting for Aaron to come back but this low wasn't the same, this low didn't make him want give up and almost die, it made him want to keep fighting, for Aaron, for himself. 

This low made him to want to _live_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll be uploading the last part tomorrow, hope you liked this follow up, let me know <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just want to say thanks again for all the love i got for this little fic that just sorta came out of nowhere, hope i don't disappoint, strap in for a hella lot of emotions...

 Of course he couldn't sleep, even after hearing Victoria and Adam reluctantly go to bed and seemingly give up on waiting for Aaron to come home, the need to wait up for him increased. He wouldn't give up on him. He sat there on his bed, hair messy and top baggy as he stared at the door almost _begging_ Aaron to appear. The sound of the door opening a few minutes later instantly made Robert's heart leap because he was standing there, shivering from the cold but looking more _sober_.

  
Robert suddenly looked at Aaron, he saw the way his hoddie wasn't zipped up fully, he looked like he was _freezing_.

"Aaron...where did you -"

  
Aaron shook his head slowly and dropped his head in shame, "Thought about going to see him, but...something stopped me...I wanted to be somewhere else."

  
' _Here, with you,'_

 

Aaron had meant to cry at Jackson's grave and whisper his thoughts but then he looked up at Robert's room and felt his heart almost _tug_ , because he was weighing up his options and Robert was _winning_ , Robert almost seemed to fucking win.

  
Robert shifted slightly on his bed because he knew what Aaron was trying to say and his heart was fluttering for this man, _a man_. "That's okay Aaron..." His voice was tender, soothing and slow.

  
Aaron looked up at Robert because he almost _needed_ it to be okay, what he felt "Is it?"

  
Robert smiled softly before looking up at the ceiling and then back at Aaron "Haven't been struck by lighting yet eh," he was laughing and even Aaron was smiling, a weak watery smile that said ' _thank you for trying to make me smile'._

  
"I suppose not." Aaron mumbled before shivering again as he attempted to zip up his hoddie.

  
Robert bit his lip as he looked at Aaron and the way he was shivering, "You're fucking freezing Aaron, come..." He said before shifting on his bed the way he always did and allowed Aaron to sink in next to him.

  
Their bodies almost crashed together as Aaron felt Robert seem looser as he slept next to him, Robert felt the same, he was almost sensing a level of tension ease away from Aaron as he slept beside him.

  
Aaron was still shaking from the cold as Robert stared at him, eyes wide and suddenly his own coldness didn't seem to matter because Aaron was _trembling_ from the fresh air he had experienced and his needs were more important than Robert's.

"Here," Robert instinctively threw off his covers and draped them over Aaron even more, Aaron's eyes widened as he felt more soft fabric shield him from the bitter cold weather and melt his skin.

  
"Aren't you -"

  
Robert tried to control the way his lips were trembling, "Used to it," he let out cooly and suddenly he found himself thinking that he was in fact being quite...selfless.

  
Aaron nodded his head over the covers "Thank you." He mumbled before his eyes felt heavy as he was closing them, allowing Robert to admire him as he slept next to him, so _very_ close. Their bodies facing each other as Aaron breathed softly, so gentle and calm, it made Robert smile as he closed his own eyes and decided to get some rest.

 

~ ~

 

It was as if Robert _knew_ something was wrong, that the way Aaron was squirming around in the bed wasn't just him trying to get comfortable. Suddenly Robert's eyes were sprung open and Aaron was there next to him, covers ripped from his body and sweat building on his forehead as his eyes were firmly tight shut and his faces was lined with worry. He looked so tortured, so damaged by his own mind.

  
Robert shifted on his side as he looked at Aaron and gently touched his arm "Aaron...Aaron are you okay?" His voice was filled with worry even he couldn't hide.

  
Aaron shook his head in his sleep before crying out, "I'm sorry...please don't leave... _please_...."

  
Robert's eyes grew even wider as he pulled at Aaron's arm and attempted to wake him up from the obvious nightmare he was having, probably about Jackson he thought, about him leaving him and suddenly he knew he couldn't help him with there, he could nothing to ease that thought because it was true, it wasn't _just_ a nightmare.

  
Aaron scrunched up his face, tightening his eyes and clinging to the thin sheets as he called out, "No please...don't leave me... _ROBERT_!"

  
Robert felt his heart skip a beat, pounding in his chest because Aaron was dreaming of _him_ , not Jackson and he _could_ help him. Instinct took over as he heard Aaron cry out his name a few more times, Robert was moving over and pinning Aaron's arms against the bed, practically straddling him as he whispered, "Wake up, it's just a nightmare Aaron."

  
He had never felt that way, so close to another man and wanting touch him all over, he had this...this _lust_ he thought, this intrigue that well could have been classed as just the passion of a warm blooded male but mixed with this need to hold him tightly _whilst_ he kissed his body tenderly. He had never felt that way. Wanted to rip someone's clothes off and then help them get dressed again after.

  
Aaron's eyes flickered open slowly and for a second he was sure he was _now_ dreaming and Robert Sugden was not inches away from his face, straddling him the way he was and pinning his arms down on the pillows as his soft, green eyes stared _deep_ into his soul.

  
Aaron instantly remembered what made him seem so panicked and felt this need to tell Robert, "You...you were dying like _him_ and it was all my fault again." He couldn't help but sob at the thought and Robert suddenly was shaking his head, still not dropping his gaze from Aaron for even a second.

  
"I'm not _leaving_ you like that..." Robert whispered the words not because he didn't want Aaron to hear but so that they could share this little quiet moment together that made both of them feel... _whole_.

  
Aaron tried to nod but clearly he was still effected by the things he imagined moments before, his heart was beating out of his chest and suddenly Robert was gently placing a hand on his chest so he could hear it.

  
Aaron looked up at Robert and almost instinctively did the same thing, moving his trembling hand to feel Robert's own heart hammering away. He _understood_ , he always seemed to.

  
"You scare me Aaron." Robert mumbled the words honestly, Aaron scared him so much, everything about what he _felt_ for Aaron scared him.

  
Aaron sniffed because was _almost_ knew what Robert was trying to say,  
"You scare me too." He let out gently.

Somehow Aaron's face became closer and so did their lips, _nearly_. Robert couldn't help but pull away, gently stoking Aaron's chest and climbing off of him so that Aaron could pull over the covers and settle himself again. That was close. Robert couldn't though, even though he wanted to, that would be...taking advantage surely, surely because Aaron was still grieving.

Robert studied the way Aaron tried to calm himself down, he wasn't shaking anymore but his face _looked_ shaken and scared and suddenly he was looking at Robert. 

Aaron bit his lip as he thought about how quickly Robert had tried to soothe him, how _good_ it felt to have someone take control and help him like that, pin him down and stare into his eyes and tell him it was okay. The warmth he got from the closeness, he couldn't deny, couldn't help but wonder how good Robert's arms would feel...

  
"Robert," Aaron let out in a whisper as Robert rested next to him.

  
"Yeah."

  
Aaron suddenly was facing towards Robert and looking at him straight in the eyes, begging him to listen to what he was going to say and feeling sick with nerves because surely Robert would be weirded out.

  
"Could you....put your...your arms around me?" Aaron eyes were filled with worry that he had pushed it a little too far, he was already staying in his bed, waking him up in the middle of the night and stealing his covers.

  
Robert's heart almost gave way and suddenly he was thankful Aaron's hand couldn't feel the way it was beating. He wanted nothing more. Nothing. And the thought didn't make him feel _weird_ like it had done a few days ago, it made everything just seem to _slot_ into place.

  
Robert nodded his head slowly and then found himself dropping his arms around Aaron's chest, one sliding down to his waist and making both of them blush slightly. Robert twisted his entire body to the right so that he was fully supporting Aaron's body, allowing Aaron to push down into the bed so that his head was in Robert's chest and Robert could gently circle Aaron's shoulder with his thumb, soothing him softly.

  
"Like this....?" Robert let out a shaky breath because he had never done anything like that before, been so _close_ to a man, so comforting.

  
Aaron nuzzled his head into Robert's chest further, almost absorbing the smell of his shampoo and the freckles that scattered his body. "Yeah...that's..."

  
Suddenly Aaron was looking up at Robert and forcing him to do the same, he needed to see the greeness of his eyes and realise if it was _Robert_ himself and not just hands holding him again that made him want to fall again, with someone new.

  
"Beautiful," Aaron finished off his sentence and suddenly he _knew_.

  
_Robert_.

  
Robert gulped hard, he could see Aaron looking at him in a way that scared him because he was seeing something that he knew he felt for Aaron, Aaron was almost mirroring his own affections and then he was leaning in closer and Robert wasn't pulling away this time because Aaron was almost coming home.

  
He was kissing him tenderly on the lips, a hand finding Robert's as Robert almost melted into Aaron, his lips tingling as Aaron continued to press against them and he couldn't help but feel _alive_ , _whole_ as if _this_ was the very thing Robert had been _waiting_ for, a troubled innocent boy to kiss him in the dead of a night and change everything.

  
Robert was squeezing Aaron's hand as he allowed himself to welcome Aaron even more, suddenly using his free arm to wrap around Aaron's soft curls and moan softly against Aaron.

  
Aaron could feel himself _falling_ , he felt almost complete again and he wasn't feeling overwhelmed with guilt because he wasn't forgetting Jackson, he wasn't closing the door on his life with him...he was simply allowing himself to open another one.

  
_Robert_.

  
Robert found himself _falling_ and then Aaron suddenly kissed him once more, a soft gentle one and he was pulling away and looking into Robert's eyes almost wondering if he was _still_ dreaming.

  
Robert's eyes told him he wasn't, they told him he was... _wanted_ , _needed_.

  
"I...I just _needed_ to do that..." Aaron found himself almost making an excuse and Robert frowned softly at the words, still holding onto Aaron's hand, "I _needed_ you to," he let out softly before moving himself down on the bed again, pulling the covers over Aaron gently, stroking the soft fabric and making Aaron's eyes grow tried again. Robert resumed position, arm clutching over Aaron's chest tightly and stroking his thumb over Aaron's shoulder again.

  
Aaron was still gripping hold of Robert's hand as he felt Robert sigh softly, growing tired himself as for a second letting go of the grip to shift slightly on the bed. Aaron instantly breathed in sharply before whispering, "Don't let go," into the air, begging Robert not to let go of his hand, not now.

  
Robert felt his heart give way _again_ because he couldn't believe how much Aaron wanted him, how attached this mardy moody man had grown to him. He would never get over how badly he felt _needed_ by Aaron and how amazing it made him feel, he had always wanted to feel like he wasn't just living for himself but for someone else too, he only thought he would feel that if he had a child but then...Aaron.

  
Robert squeezed even tighter on Aaron's hand, bending his head and kissing Aaron's neck before whispering back "Never."

 

~ ~ 

 

Robert found himself smiling as he woke up the next morning, he wasn't disappointed and seeing Aaron's face sleeping next to him made butterflies explode in his stomach. Aaron, this boy who was broken, so damaged by the cruelty of life itself was now sleeping next to him. His body wrapped in covers as if he was desperate to protect himself from any more pain, that's how he was, didn't let people in - didn't let them get too close yet he had _asked_ Robert to hold him and that had meant something almost _extraordinary_. Still a hand stretched out, still holding onto Robert's. Robert had to gasp as he looked down and saw his hand in Aaron's, he hadn't let go, the _whole_ night, _he hadn't let go._

  
Aaron couldn't help but stare at him, at the beauty of him and how they had _found_ themselves the night before in each other's arms. Holding hands the way they still were made him blush, _he hadn't let go._

He thought about leaving early, a part of him even thought that Robert would when him to leave but he selfishly stayed, the feel of Robert made him smile. Their kiss last night was a haze, a beautiful welcomed haze that filled Aaron with this new feeling, almost awoke something in him he was sure had died along with Jackson. _Love_.

  
He slept soundly last night yet still he was thinking about how he seemed to scare Robert and the obvious fact that Robert wasn't gay sprung to mind almost always. What was he? Confused? Thinking he had these feelings for Aaron when in reality he was just lonely and craved the attention that Aaron willingly offered.

  
"I didn't think you'd be here." Robert whispered as he looked at Aaron and then smiled.

  
Aaron pulled a little face, "What would you have preferred a coffee?"

  
Robert bit down on his lip, the coffees has always been a little thank you thing that warmed his heart but nothing compared to having Aaron next to him, by his side like this.

  
"Hmmm well you do make a good cup..." Robert said mockingly debating what was better and then laughing as Aaron pushed at his arm.

  
"Thank you for not freaking out last night by the way..."

  
Robert frowned wondering if Aaron meant about the nightmare or about the kiss.

  
"Thank you for staying." It was simple and honest and what Aaron wanted to hear.

 

~ ~ 

 

The shower was hot against Robert's skin, a low rumble that made him still able to hear the sound of television downstairs. Then he heard Aaron and Adam laughing downstairs. He stopped the shower wanting to hear, he was always so _interested_. 

Even more so now.

  
"You seem a bit...happier," Adam commented with a smile, a large one because Aaron had woken up in a seemingly better mood than other days and he wanted to know why.

  
Robert's heart fluttered, was it obvious?

  
"I suppose I am."

  
Robert leaned back slightly against the tiles as he thought about how _he_ had made Aaron happy. He would never get over that thought, ever.

  
"Care to say why?"

  
Aaron shrugged his shoulders,  
"Does there have to be a reason...?"

  
Adam wasn't giving in, looking at his best mate expectantly and raising his eyebrows.

  
"If you _must_ know...I mean well...I just realised last night, I need to...to look forward to things...instead of focusing on the past."

  
Jackson. Instead of focusing my entire life on  _Jackson_ and his death.

  
Adam sighed hard, almost chocking up slightly at the thought and Aaron was expecting a hug, he got one, a fucking crushing hug.

  
"We should leave ya with Robert more often..." A pat to the back, _hard_ and Aaron nearly fell over.

  
_Fuck the irony_.

 

Robert was out, a smile on his face as he left because well...Aaron. Victoria noticed it, saw the way he seemed almost _alive_ and it warmed her heart.

Aaron wanted to be with Robert, he wanted to find him, spend a day with him and _talk_ but Victoria had cornered him and was talking about having a 'few hours off' and fancying a chat.

  
"What's this about Vic?" Aaron was annoyed, wanting to find Robert, almost needing to.

  
"I just thought I could have a word."

  
"About what?" He didn't want to talk about him drinking too much, or crying too often.

  
Victoria sighed softly, "Me and Adam had a word with Chas last night and we just thought -"

  
Aaron rolled his eyes, "Why? So she knew how much of a failure I was too!"

  
Victoria shook her head slowly because that wasn't the case at all "No because she wants to _help_..."

  
Aaron scoffed loudly, "Help? If she wanted to help she wouldn't have tossed me out of my own home!"

  
He was bitter, _still_.

  
"We are _all_ tryna help ya...I know me and Adam haven't really been there for you, we haven't been telling you that all the cans aren't going to help you like we should have done..."

  
Aaron shook his head - he _really_ didn't want to have this conversation.

  
"But we've noticed...even _Robert_ has _noticed._ "

  
Aaron stood taken aback slightly because...Robert. What did Robert have to do with them trying to help?

  
"Robert?" Aaron let the name out with a shaky breath.

  
Victoria nodded her head, "Yeah, I mean he was the one that mentioned that you drank to cope, made us understand a bit better...I should be thanking him."

  
Aaron staggered back a little because Robert had been telling Victoria and Adam what was he saying in the _comfort_ of the dark, what else was he saying?

  
"What exactly did he say?" Aaron's voice was filled with anger trying to hide his pain.

  
Victoria's eyes widened and she shook her head as she struggled to get her words out.

  
"Nothing...just that you needed help and that you want help but you're waiting for it."

  
Aaron nearly felt tears threaten to fall but he stopped himself. The thought of Robert telling Victoria and Adam about his worries should have warmed his heart and made him feel thankful that Robert was always looking out for him but it _didn't_. Instead it made Aaron question what was real and what wasn't, if Victoria and Adam had been _purposely_ leaving them alone in hope that Aaron opened up to someone else, to Robert and then he would report back like a good little brother would.

  
"Is this a set up?" The words came out like daggers, sharp and meant to hurt.

  
Victoria frowned harshly, "What are you talking about?"

  
Aaron was the one who went to him, night after night, slept with him, next to him, every night. He welcomed it, all of it, he _fell_ for it.

  
"I fell for it," Aaron whispered the words out and shook his head, "I told him things 'cos I thought he didn't care," his eyes were stinging from trying to hold back the tears and now Victoria was staring at him wide eyed and then she was moving closer.

  
"Aaron what do you -"

  
"Just leave Vic...go back to work okay I'm fine."

  
Aaron was pushing her away, looking towards the door and begging her to leave him alone.

  
"No not like this -"

  
Aaron walked towards the sofa, and then stared back at Victoria.

  
"I suppose you haven't had a word with Adam today then, 'cos he'd tell ya that I was a little bit 'happier' this morning. I was even gonna ring a counsellor..." Aaron spat the words out, he _hated_ how he had to explain himself because he _was_ trying to get better, he thought Robert was helping him.

  
"That's good then...Aaron I'm sorry." Victoria looked sorry, sounded sorry and Aaron was already forgiving her.

  
"It's fine just..." Aaron trailed off as he heard the door open and then saw Robert, his heart was skipping faster as he saw Robert stare at him, he was smiling and then he was frowning because he _knew_ something was wrong.

  
"Everything okay?" Robert let out a shaky breath, he looked towards Victoria who was guiltily staring at him.

  
"You tell me." Aaron's voice was sharp, angry like the first night he has stayed at the house.

  
Victoria looked between her brother and her friend and then sighed softly, "I should be heading back to work."

  
The door slammed shut after Victoria and suddenly Aaron was shaking his head and walking away from Robert.

  
"What's happened?" Robert asked almost frantically because Aaron seemed guarded, effected by something.

  
Aaron looked back at Robert and bit his lip hard, "You told Vic I needed help, like I'm some....some little victim that just _needs_ to be looked after."

  
Robert gulped hard as he thought about how it seemed, "Aaron I was only -"

  
Aaron pulled from Robert's stare, "I thought you were helping me...but all this time, all this time you've been _spying_ on me - telling them things."

  
Robert shook his head and tried to make Aaron listen, "No, of course I haven't been spying on you!"

  
Robert hated seeing Aaron like this, _paranoid_. He had been there, drugs made you like that, made you think everyone was out to get you. The amount of heartache Robert had caused because of his paranoid mind.

  
Aaron shifted on the spot angrily.

  
"I thought at first you didn't care but then you did, I _saw_ you care about me but...it wasn't about helping me, it was all about helping your sister and...and getting me out of here!" Aaron was shouting, tears streaming down his face because it all seemed plausible in his eyes, because Robert's affection seemed all too good to be true. It had _always_ seemed to good to be true.

  
Robert shook his head again and lurched forward so that he was gripping Aaron's wrists and pulling him against the wall "Are you _hearing_ yourself Aaron? Are you?"

  
"I've _always_ wanted to help you, _always_ cared even when I knew that you didn't want me to, I couldn't help it because I understood..." Aaron wanted to push him off, keep pushing until Robert let him leave but he was looking at Robert's eyes and daring to see truth.

"Okay...I had a word with them, a word about you wanting helping 'cos they were under this fucked up impression that you wanted to be alone. I knew you didn't, the _fucking_ night before you had...had told me you didn't want to be alone anymore. I _needed_ them to know, and I'm sorry but...I've been there Aaron. I know that being left alone helps sometimes but...but not in the long run" memories filled Robert's mind and he pushed them away as he stared at Aaron harder, "You needed _their_ help Aaron!"

  
Aaron suddenly pushed Robert away from him, "I NEEDED _YOU_!" it hurt, it _killed_ and his throat would suffer later.

  
Robert staggered back slightly, he didn't understand until now just how much Aaron did indeed need him that way. He was almost, no he _was_ enough for Aaron.

  
"I'm not good at that shit Aaron." Robert sounded almost defeated, he didn't feel strong enough, he was sure he wasn't. "Feelings and...and shit."

  
Aaron wiped a hand over his face and shook his head slowly, tears almost threatening to fall, suddenly he was walking towards Robert, "You're a lot better than you think Rob."

  
_Rob_ , a nice nickname.

  
"I'm sorry for shouting, I just..I felt like suddenly all this trust I had for you just -"

  
Robert shook his head slowly, _believing_ Aaron was "I should be saying sorry, I should have just been honest with you. But I wasn't supposed to...to care, you weren't my problem."

  
Aaron looked away slightly.

  
"Not problem...I mean..."

  
Suddenly Aaron was holding Robert's hand as he was reminded of last night instantly. Robert looked down at their hands, "Is this okay?" Aaron asked softly, tentatively.

  
Robert gulped hard, "Why wouldn't it be?"

  
"Last night I just...just kissed you, you're meant to be straight Rob."

  
Robert blushed slightly because he suddenly realised that hadn't even touched on that part at all, the big fat ' _I was practically a little whore who slept with too many women to count yet I let a man kiss me_ ' part.

  
"I thought I was until last night, when you kissed me and I _saw_ the way you looked at me, it was the way I look at you...like I want to be there for you, to _care_ for you, like I want to... _be_ with you..."

  
Aaron's eyes widened at the thought and then Robert was nodding his head and bowing it because 'Shit that was too forward'. Suddenly a thought flickered across Robert's mind that made his heart _sink_.

  
"Last night...you didn't kiss me because you wanted...Jackson?"

  
Aaron shook his head quickly, moving closer to Robert and catching his breath "No, no I kissed you because for the first time in months I wanted someone else, _you._ "

  
Aaron gripped Robert's hand tightly, "It wasn't about him, it was about me _wanting_ to do something and doing it, and that's...okay, I know that now" he said the words proudly feeling as if he had just jumped over a massive hurdle in his way.

"The only person holding me back from happiness was me, I'm ready to be happy again Rob."

  
Robert gently stroked Aaron's hand softly, "I'm sorry for being...so forward before, I just wanted to reassure you that I wasn't going anywhere..."

  
Aaron smiled softly, "You're scared aren't you?"

  
Robert nodded his head and let out a small sigh because Aaron _understood_ him, he couldn't lie to him.

  
"Of me? Of _this_?" Aaron spoke softly as he looked down at their hands.

  
Robert gulped hard, "Not of you, I'm just...never imagined that I would want to be with a bloke that's all." He sniffed softly suddenly becoming emotional.

  
Aaron tightened his grip, "I know...trust me I had a hard time dealing with it." He sniffed before smiling.

  
Robert looked away and sighed, "You need someone solid, someone that isn't _new_ to how they feel -"

  
Aaron gently pulled a hand away and stroked Robert's face, "I need you, I fell for you because...you didn't take pity on me, you didn't look at me like _that_ , 'cos you understood."

  
Robert's heart was pounding and he quickly breathed in sharply, "Fell for me?"

  
Aaron blushed as he heard Robert, he had slipped out his affections, his feelings.

  
"Of course," Aaron said it like it was the most easiest thing in the world to say, Robert smiled softly "But I don't want to rush anything, I don't want to...I don't want to ruin things by moving too fast. I'm not ready to actually you know sleep with -""

  
Robert's eyes widened, he had _never_ , not _ever_ but he _would_ with Aaron when they were ready, "Me either..."

  
Aaron gently stroked Robert's arm, shyly looking away, "But I am ready to...to sleep next to you, hold hands with you..." Aaron said looking down at their hands and smiling before leaning even closer so that there noses were touching and adding, "Be be... _close_ to you."

  
The words were melting into Robert, he was taking it all...all of it and wanting to soak up more of Aaron, more and more until he overfilled.

  
"And...I'm not ready to say...but last night when you wrapped your arms around me and made me feel _safe_ for the first time in months...I knew that I was falling in -"

  
"I'm in love with you," like water, pouring out clear and true and beautifully pure because that's what it was. Robert loved Aaron, in a way that he was sure you were meant to love someone. He had _seen_ Aaron and still wanted him, still cared, still had felt this love that made him selflessly be there for him in every way he could.

  
Aaron caught his breath, harsh and sharp and then he was staring at Robert, not knowing what to say, because he wasn't there yet, he couldn't say it back but he was in awe of the words. ' _Why_?' was waiting to leave his lips but he held back because it didn't matter, Robert _loved_ him.

Someone loved him and this time he would cling onto that love and never let it go unnoticed, he wouldn't dream of quashing down the word and grinding the meaning into something pointless and basic, something that didn't need to be heard - not like what he did with Jackson.

No, despite the fact that he didn't know how to really understand Robert's love, he would savour it, every last bit of it and relish in the thought of Robert Sugden _falling_ in love with him in his darkest hour and willing to see him in the sun.

  
"I...I -"

  
"I didn't need a response...I just needed to tell you." Robert said simply before smiling and then feeling Aaron pull him close so that they were hugging, so that they were holding each other tightly and not daring to let go.

  
"I've booked some counselling...starts tomorrow."

  
Robert pulled himself away so that he could see Aaron, so that Aaron cold see how proud he was.

  
"Aaron...that's great, I mean...it will help."

  
"Will you come with me?" Aaron asked without hesitation and suddenly looked pleadingly into Robert's eyes.

  
Robert frowned hard, "Wouldn't you prefer Adam or...your mum?"

  
"I want you." Aaron whispered softly pulling Robert in closer again.

  
Robert smiled, he would never get over that feeling of being wanted. "We will go...together..."

  
Robert lingered at Aaron's lips, "Kiss me Rob..."

  
Robert didn't hesitate, he was gently touching Aaron's lips, soft at first like last night, gentle and slow and then with more _passion_ , more intensity and then he slowed down, slowed to a gentle pace and Aaron was stroking was his arm and then pulling away smiling and hugging Robert even tighter than before.

 

~ ~

 

  
Chas was accepting, apologetic, and more important offering crushingly hard hugs to Aaron as he held onto her and told her he was getting help, getting better. He told her about Robert, she rolled her eyes and said she didn't _know_ a lot of _good_ things about him but Aaron shrugged it off and soon she was caving, inviting Robert round for tea and all sorts.

Robert waited for him back at the cottage, nervously, because chas was chas and despite the fact that they didn't speak to each other, she knew Katie, she was friends with Katie, _best_ friends and well that was enough.

  
"How did it go?" Robert gulped down hard as he saw Aaron smile.

  
"Well...yeah I told her about the whole counselling thing and she seemed happy enough, had to persuade her about you though..."

  
"Oh,"

  
Aaron's heart almost gave way, hearing the nervousness in Robert's voice meant he _cared_ and that meant too much.

  
"Yeah, but now she's inviting you round for tea so..."

  
Robert's laughter filled the air yet was cut short by the sound of Adam and Victoria walking through the door.

  
Adam looked sheepishly at Aaron and Victoria stood behind him, "Listen er Vic didn't know that you said all that to me this morning, that's why she -"

  
"It's fine, I understand. But like I told her...I've booked counselling."

  
Adam was practically beaming, patting Aaron on the back the way he usually did and Robert couldn't help but smile, he was actually smiling because of Adam, _Jesus_.

  
"And I made up with my mum, sorted things out."

  
Adam smiled again, "Yes lad, good. Does that mean that...that you're going home?"

  
The air suddenly felt sharp and Aaron couldn't help but look at Robert because he instantly _knew_ what he wanted and Robert's eyes told him to stay, he was sure they did.

  
"No...I'd like to stay here if that's okay."

  
Robert suddenly walked towards Aaron because he was almost pleading him to stay with a look, just a simple one and Aaron had _understood_.

  
"On that lumpy sofa," Victoria said through a laugh, "I bet it's uncomfortable." She said pointing at it.

  
Robert looked at Aaron and suddenly blushed, and then Aaron was leaning his head towards him as if to say ' _would it be okay...?'_ and Robert was nodding back in response.

  
"The bed isn't." Aaron said the words with a smirk on his face that was instantly replaced with a look of worry because...what the hell would they think?

  
Adam's eyes widened and Victoria frowned sharply, "What bed? Who's bed?"

  
Robert bit down on his lip before sighing softly, "Mine," he said as if he was owning up to stealing the last cookie from the jar. Aaron couldn't help but smile at Robert, he was his and he liked it that way, _loved_ it even.

  
Adam leaned over to look at Robert and then looked towards Aaron.

  
"Did I hear that right?"

  
"Since when were you bloody _gay_!" Victoria said flapping her arms around and pointing at her brother.

  
Robert's eyes widened, "I'm bisexual." He said the words proudly and Aaron could have kissed him because he seemed so sure, "I can't ignore what I feel for him." He said before turning to Aaron.

  
"You've been sleeping with him?" Victoria snapped at Robert before looking at Aaron.

  
Aaron shook his head quickly, "Not like that... _just_ sleeping...nothing more." He said nervously because he suddenly realised how it sounded.

  
"Since when?" Adam asked roughly because he was suddenly feeling pushed out.

  
"Since you and Vic went to that hotel, I just needed someone and...I needed to feel close to someone Adam." Aaron said as he looked at Robert and then back at Adam, "He was there..."

  
Adam rolled his eyes, "Sure he was." He muttered.

  
"Adam," Victoria warned.

  
Adam looked across at Robert, "You said you didn't care."

  
Robert shifted on his feet before looking at Adam, "Well I did, I _do."_

  
Adam scoffed not believing it. Aaron looked at him and sighed "He's made me smile Adam, made me want to move on finally..."

  
Robert bit his lip as he felt his heart flutter.

  
"He's why I was happier, he made me happy."

  
Adam chewed his gum and suddenly Victoria was nearly in tears standing behind him.

  
"In that case...it's good enough for me..." Adam looked up towards Robert and shook his hand still giving him a glare that Robert accepted because Adam was still his sister's loud and stupid, over friendly husband.

 

~ ~ 

 

_3 weeks later._

 

Counselling helped, it was good and made Aaron feel better about Jackson and what happened and how to move on and be happy again with someone else. _Robert_. Aaron was happier, everyone said it, more at peace and content with his life despite the nightmares that made him want to give up sometimes, he had Robert. _Always_ had Robert. Robert, with his aloof and distant ways had managed to heal the whole in Aaron's heart, the gaping one he thought would never be filled and stitched up again, by anyone.

  
The nights still managed to _soften_ the harsh edges of Aaron, still made him more _innocent_ and _kinder_ in his expression and Robert welcomed it, the way Aaron's body relaxed and melted into Robert as they slept side by side, every night, every single night. Almost tangled in each other as they held hands and drifted off to sleep, together, like always.

  
"Night," Robert mumbled as he kissed Aaron's forehand and then whispered, "I love you," in his ear because he knew how much his love for Aaron meant to them both.

Aaron stroked over Robert's cheek, it had been a few weeks now and he still hasn't been able to say it but now...it just felt right, so right to tell him how _deep_ his feelings were. Robert hadn't deserted him once, hadn't backed away or told Aaron he couldn't handle the way he would scream in the night or want to spend hours at Jackson's grave just... _because_. He had sat with him, by the grave when Aaron wanted him to and then left him alone when Aaron needed to, he had even spoke to Jackson, asked when the lighting would come and made Aaron laugh through his tears and then hold his hand and walk back with him to the cottage, he would hold him and kiss him and make him feel _whole_. It was _love_ , he _loved_ him.

  
"Robert," Aaron whispered into Robert's ear softly.

  
"Hmm," Robert sighed before looking up at Aaron.

  
"I _love_ you too you know..." It was honest and true because Aaron had realised that Robert had _seen_ him at possibly the most _darkest_ and _horrific_ time in his life yet _still_ managed to _love_ him, want him and so he loved him for that. "I don't know what you see in me...but you see _something_ worth sticking around for when I wake up crying in the middle of the night or...or talk about how much I miss Jackson...and I love you." Aaron said softly, the most tender voice imaginable and enough to make Robert's eyes flutter because Aaron loved him, Aaron Dingle _fucking_ loved him and he was surely whole now, he was surely set for life because Aaron _loved_ him.

  
Robert gulped hard and gently kissed Aaron's lips, soft and quick because he wanted to stare into Aaron's eyes for as long as possible.

  
"I see the most... _courageous_ , beautiful man who has all this _love_ to give, to _share_ and who has _survived_ through one of the _darkest_ times in his life...you're _living_ Aaron, just like he _wanted_ you to." Robert let the words fall gently and smiled as he could see how they had effected Aaron.

  
_I'm_ _alive_.

  
Their eyes grew heavy and soon Robert was tightening his grip around Aaron's was if and pulling him closer, suddenly Aaron fidgeted as he tried to get comfortable and Robert couldn't help but smile.

  
"No swimming tonight little fish please..." Robert whispered into Aaron's ear making him blush and gently poke at Robert's stomach.

Soon they were sleeping, both bodies _rising_ and _falling_ together almost in perfect unison as they found themselves _home_ in each other's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that was it, i debated with myself whether or not to show them actually together at the end but then i sorta think that the way i wrote it made their feelings for each other seem very natural and somewhat simple, despite the fact that aaron will still have issues he needs to get past and he may not be fully ready to commit to robert i wanted to show that when it came down to it...aaron now realises that he loves robert, the feelings he has can't be described as anything else and personally it seemed plausible and fitting for them to both realise what they felt for each other. anyways i'm waffling now but i hope that it all didn't seem a bit left field, i purposely tried to create a sense of like...what now? because rob isn't used to this feeling and aaron is still grieving in his own way but the simplicity of just laying in bed together and finding peace that way was sorta the essence of this entire fic idea. hope you enjoyed <333

**Author's Note:**

> this is a two parter, the next chapter should be uploaded soon. oh and this was also inspired by this song called 'talk me down' by troye sivan that just screamed robron to me throughout like feburary right up to that damn reunion kiss and just really hits home about the deep emotional connection between them for me! hope you enjoyed this lovelies xoxo


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